Experts able to draw startling baseball conclusions despite season being 27 innings old

- Ryne Sandberg could only look on as $50 million closer Jonathan Papelbon capped off a Phillies ninth inning meltdown with a bases loaded walk, ending the game not in the Phillies' favor. Later, he would show great strength of character by wondering to the media why some ground balls he induced weren't game-ending double plays.

- Only three games into the MLB season, I think we can fairly come to conclusions such as "yes," or even more in depth analysis such as "maybe."

- Hello, yes, it's me; the 37-year-old contractor who did doughnuts in his Mustang on Churchill Downs. I don't know if you wanna buy me a beer or something but I guess you should or whatever. Wait where are you go

- Red Sox fans have a word for people like Jacoby Ellsbury, but look, as @FanSince09 has taught us, it's a very hard word to spell, okay?

- Shockingly, there are some pictures of Hank the Dog that the Brewers aren't showing the media.

- Mitch Callahan is an NHL prospect with the Red Wings playing out of Grand Rapids. He recently took his first puck to the mouth, and in turn gifted the world his first missing-most-of-his-mouth selfie.

- The Diamondbacks are charging $25 for corn dogs, and people have learned, if they're expensive, they've go to be good. Which is why they're running out. Elsewhere, a minor league team is debuting a hot dog cocktail at their park, which is just delightful for people who like to combine things they like to save time.

- The Mets' Daniel Murphy left the team to be with his wife, who is giving birth. Well, New York sports radio psychopath Mike Francesca has some problems with that, naturally. Of course, any man who'd choose the New York Mets over a newborn baby may be historys greatest monster.

- Domino's is offering 20,000 free pizzas is two no-hitters are thrown during the MLB season. Unfortunately, the pizzaz will probably be Domino's pizzas.

- New for college baseball in 2014: rain delay jousting.

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