49ers invite fans to get into Jim Harbaugh's pants

- Tom Brady feels 'great,' everyone. It turns out good-looking people can just charm viruses right out of their bodies. Which must be nice.

- Meanwhile, now's probably your best chance to get in Jim Harbaugh's pants.

- Dwight Howard and Steven Adams dance routine is going awesome.

- Then the Rockets somehow scored only 19 points in the entire second half.

- Team U.S.A.'s hockey squad took a hit before the Olympic games even begin in Sochi, Russia, as goalie Jessie Vetter was forced to remove quotations from the Constitution from his helmet. I mean WHY EVEN HAVE AN AMERICA NOW.

- C.C. Sabathia must have seen former teammate Robinson Cano's lucrative deal with the Mariners, garnered by new agent Jay-Z, and suddenly made some important life decisions.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa; where do you think you're going? There's still four different teams to hate in the NFL playoffs.

- STOP TRYING TO MAKE 'SLEEVES' A THING, NBA, WE'RE ALL PRETTY IRRATIONALLY UPSET BY THEM sorry for shouting so much this morning.

- A-Rod says of his MLB-imposed ban, he was ready to take a break anyway, so this is all probably part of his plan. He's like a supervillain of headlines.

- Remember when they wanted Chris Johnson to race a cheetah? Yeah, he was fast. Anyways, the Titans cut him now.