Where am I?

A new   –  and  according to a press release, “unique”  –   Monmouth University poll has many encouraging things to say about New Jerseyans.

Consider:  45 percent of us “strongly” believe our neighbors would pick up our garbage can if it fell over.

This demonstration of faith-based living will surely uplift anyone who questions the humanity of fellow Garden State residents – say, at the communal convergence of routes 42, 55 and 295.

 I do take issue with the lifestyle “clusters” into which the Monmouth pollsters purport to divide us, however.

All the rage among those who practice the demography lifestyle, the technique seems sound enough. Until someone – say, a 50-something newspaper columnist who lives in Haddon Heights – tries to find his niche.

“Satisfied Urban Dweller”

I live in the ‘burbs.

“Young Suburbanite”

Uh, no.

“Top Earner”


“Neighborly Middle-Aged”

Since when did the middle-aged cut-off date get so…youthful?

“White Seniors”

Surely, the pollsters jest.

So I'm at a loss.

Could it be that, like Carl Lewis, I don’t really live here?