Gov. Christie may have been able to banish the Statehouse press corps from his séance with the national media Tuesday, but even he couldn't stop me from streaming it on my telepathic mind channel.
"Pay no attention to Bridgegate, budget deficits, pusillanimous polls, credit rating downgrades, Atlantic City…or any other sorry story concocted by those scruffy local scribes in exile behind the curtain," the governor proclaimed, as a brass ensemble paid for by the Republican Governors Association finished a fanfare inspired by "Get Rowdy."
"My fellow celebrities," Christie told the hand-picked press, "you are here to hear me offer unto you the facts, free from the distractions of scurrilous coverage by dying newspapers and obscure TV stations. And pay no attention whatsoever to the lamentations of my erstwhile cheerleaders on NJ 101.5."
At this point the festivities were interrupted by knowing nods and appreciative murmurs from the crowd, as well as compliments for the governor, who looked sensational in a velvet robe decorated with hand-embroidered outlines of all 21 New Jersey counties on the front, all 50 states on the back. "Where does Mary Pat find the time?" Christie chortled, raising another round of guffaws.
The governor then raised what appeared to be a scepter, or perhaps, a wand (I was having telepathic signal problems, which happens occasionally) and waved it in the face of Michael Drewniak, leading Christie's media maestro to pass out the cognac, cigars and swag bags.
"These goodies will get you in the mood for the truths I am about to disclose," Christie stage-whispered, waving the scepter/wand again, prodding Drewniak to dutifully distribute what appeared to be leather-bound copies of The Magic of Camden ( A Road Map to My Success in Any Office I May Hold in the Future).
"I wanted you to have this before I must share some of it with the local media rabble," the governor declared (more laughter). "I know you will do right by this exclusive.
"And by all means, as you leave Trenton, should you make a wrong turn and end up in Camden, pay no attention to what you see.
"Camden is a story George, Steve, and my other bipartisan allies and I agree must be told, rather than shown -- until the magic moment when I make an even more spectacular announcement. The one I know you've all been waiting for."
At that point, applause erupted and my telepathic signal got fuzzy yet again. So I couldn't make out what the brass ensemble started to play. But it sounded a lot like "Hail to the Chief."
--KEVIN RIORDAN