Idols Flunk Dolly


First things first. Dolly Parton, there was a reason you resisted Idol all these years, and it was not because you feel uncomfortable critiquing other singers, as you so judiciously said last night.


It was because you are a goddess, and the American Idol contestants are just not even close to being able to do any justice to your songs. I thought their inability to sing Beatles songs was bad enough, but these idols had no feeling whatsoever for any of this music either.


Don’t believe me? Watch this, Dolly Parton singing I Will Always Love You with her longtime singing partner Porter Wagoner. Their old recordings together are unsurpassed.

In any case, Brooke White did an ok enough Jolene, despite the cringy reference to Dolly as little but huge. Yea, yea, we get it. Wink. Brooke looked like Sarah Jessica Parker last night, which I guess will get her through the next round.

 The only bright spots in the show were that 9 contestants means we’re finally down to an hour, and that Paula seemed borderline loopy last night.


David Cook and Little Sparrow: Meh. David cops to not being original with his arrangements in prior weeks. Oh well, another Idol balloon busted. Chris Daughtry had the same problem. Simon insults the song, which is insulting Dolly, not David. Confusing. Later, Simon tries to make it up by saying “You forget what a brilliant songwriter Dolly Parton is” because she wrote a song that Whitney Houston belted out like nobody’s business and that no Idol contestant has any business ever attempting, even if they’re doing Dolly and not Whitney, they will always end up doing a bad Whitney (see Syesha, below). No, Simon, you may forget, but we do not forget. Still, it's good to remind the masses.


Ramiele, Do I Ever Cross Your Mind. Good enough, but no feeling. These guys this season seem to have no feeling at all for anything. Paula pumps her fists, though. Simon uses the cruise ship criticism which is so season four.

Jason Castro gets postcards from girls, who probably are mortified to see them on the air. Or maybe not. Traveling Through. Boring. Simon hates. Paula says it’s one of his strongest, which it’s not. She’s a big weirdo.

Carly Smithson, I thought, did a decent job with Here You Come Again, but she ruined it with those inane Idol vocal flourishes at the end. This girl is starting to interest me, though, because she seems destined to hit another brick wall in her career, another broken wing, as she might say. Why, Carly, why? So many breaks in the biz, and still, you’re not a star? Paula says OHMYGAWD! Because she’s dopey Paula tonight, probably because the producers are getting desperate because the show is so awful.

Everyone liked David Archuletta, but I was distracted because of a little crisis on the home front regarding a fifth grade social studies test grade. This show used to be interesting enough to make us forget all about asking what grade our 10 year old got in school; not anymore. But Dolly hugged David.

Kristy Lee Cook did better than last time with Coat of Many Colors. Everone is so boring. Turns out, there was apparently no studying for aforementioned social studies test. Did Ryan actually say he loves Kristy’s French pedicure?  Ay, Syesha and that idol cliché car wreck: I Will Always Love You. You started quietly, kinda thinking Dolly but you blew it big time when you morphed into Whitney-wannabe at the end of I Will Always Love You. Shoulda stuck with Dolly. Moral: You cannot succeed on this show doing Whitney, even if it’s Dolly.  

Michael Johns had a weird thing around his neck. And it’s only an hour! But a painful one. Looking forward to hearing Dolly herself sing tonight (and on May 3d in Atlantic City).