Talking to kids about gender and transgender individuals
Here's the background and tips you need to talk to your child about gender and transgender individuals.
Last week, I discussed how the topic gender fluidity has recently entered the spotlight from celebrities such as Caitlyn Jenner, and how professionals in human sexuality education and counseling have long held that a person's sexuality is multi-dimensional.
With this background, you're prepared to talk to your child about gender and transgender individuals. Basic rules apply in any conversation around sexuality. If a child asks you a question, give a short, simple answer, then check to see if you answered the question. "Is there anything else you'd like to know?" works well. If you want to start the conversation, start by saying, "I saw a TV show (or read a newspaper article – whatever fits for you) about transgendered people and it occurred to me that you should understand about this too. Can you tell me what you think transgender means?"
As the conversation progresses in the age-appropriate way, here are some points you can make to your children.
Sexuality is personal: How we feel about our own bodies and those of others is our own business, to be shared and discussed only with the people we feel closest to.
It is totally normal to wonder about your own sexuality in different ways while growing up. Very, very few people are actually transgendered but with all of the media attention many people are thinking about it. Kids either realize they are transgender at a very young age or late into adolescence or young adulthood.
It is important to respect differences. There are many things that make people different, and it is not cool in the least – in fact it's quite cruel – to pick on a peer of any age because they seem different. Kids with sexual differences are at an increased risk of bullying and the mental health problems that accompany it. Please tell your children that you do not tolerate any member of the family bullying anyone else.
An issue that may be of concern to parents is the use of school bathrooms and locker rooms by transgendered students. This can be an emotional issue; a child or teen (or their parents!) may feel as if their right to privacy is somehow threatened if a transgendered peer sees them in a personal situation. While this is understandable, it is also regrettable. Last year, the Federal Office of Civil Rights issued a document that could provide guidance for schools as part of a ruling on a case in California; it may be that the best decision is for schools to consider each case individually, based on the resources and climate of the school.
However, parents should tell their children that no student should be staring at another in a locker or a toilet room regardless of gender issues. Unless nudity is involved, like changing for swim or showering, there is no reason to segregate a transgendered child when there is a culture of respect and all children honor boundaries.
When nudity is involved, rules of respect and courtesy must apply, more than ever. Many young people have never seen the genitalia of the other gender, and an unsupervised school locker room is not the ideal place to do so for the first time. Facing this issue can encourage schools to pay closer attention to their locker room protocol in general; unsupervised changing areas can be a hotbed for bullying, and a source of anxiety for students of all ages. Parents, students and school officials must remain respectful of the transgendered child and their family throughout the decision making process.
Help your child be on the cutting edge of understanding transgender people, and be part of the culture of respect and understanding that lets all children flourish and grow into the adults they are meant to be.
Rosenzweig is also the author of The Sex-Wise Parent and The Parent's Guide to Talking About Sex: A Complete Guide to Raising (Sexually) Safe, Smart, and Healthy Children. For more information, read her blog, follow @JanetRosenzweig on Twitter.
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