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Moms: Are you in a 'busy trap'?

Are you too busy and you've brought it upon yourself? Here's why it's important to scale back from you and your family.

Today's guest blogger is Lauren Napolitano, Psy.D., a licensed psychologist on staff at Bryn Mawr Hospital and in private practice in Bryn Mawr.

Ask any mother, "How are you?" and you'll be met with the answer of "busy" or "crazy busy".  Usually, there's a knowing nod and exchange of information regarding  each mother's busy schedule. Like it's a motherhood competition.  Each mother peacock displays her feathers, that is, her glorious plate spinning.

Here is an example:

  1. "I just had my fourth baby and I am the running the parent-teacher organization at school."

  2. "My three kids attend three different schools and I work full-time."

  3. "I take my son to ice hockey five mornings per week before school."

It's like we mothers are all still in Girl Scouts trying to earn 85 badges to wear on our sash.  We maintain a frenetic pace, eating Clif bars instead of breakfast, making phone calls in the car line, and taking Ambien to fall asleep. We complain about the busyness, but we rarely reduce it.  Every September we say the same thing, "This year, I'm dialing it back. This year I'm keeping it under control." But somehow around December, we're guzzling Starbucks in order to keep up with the "demands" of our family's schedule.

Peter Kreider wrote a seminal article on busyness in 2012 for The New York Times where he states that the people who complain about being busy are "almost always people whose lamented busyness is purely self-imposed: work and obligations they've taken on voluntarily, classes and activities they've 'encouraged' their kids to participate in." He reminds us that individuals who are exhausted due to the need to work (e.g., single mothers working two jobs to support her children) don't describe themselves as 'crazy busy,' but instead as "dead on my feet."  Despite the frequent complaining or bragging about being busy, Kreider states that "the present hysteria is not a necessary or inevitable condition of life; it's something we've chosen, if only by our acquiescence to it."

Do fathers get pulled into "the busy trap"?  The answer is yes and no.  Like any parent, a father has hopes and dreams that their children will realize their academic or athletic potential. What many fathers may not realize, however, is how grueling it can be to have a child in travel soccer leagues. Or the logistics involved so that their three kids are involved in three different activities on a given Wednesday night. The father in a family where more traditional roles are assumed is generally blissfully unaware of the physical and emotional toll of being busy.

Is it bad to be busy?

The answer is that it depends. Some people, though I believe that they are the minority of the population, thrive on busyness. For most of us, chronic busyness takes its toll in the form of emotional and physical fatigue.

  1. How often do you feel overwhelmed by the sheer quantity of demands on your time?

  2. Do you feel burned out?

  3. Are you experiencing symptoms such as insomnia, minor illnesses, rising blood pressure, or frequent aches and pains?

  4. Are you irritable and experiencing anxiety?

If you answered yes to one or more of the above questions, it's time to think about how this state of busyness is affecting your emotional health, and therefore, the health of your children.

Being a mother requires a significant amount of emotional and physical energy. Energy to make the lunches, kiss the boo-boos, change the diapers, and to smile when the baby throws her lunch off of her high chair.  When we over-schedule ourselves and our kids down to the last minute, we run the risk of becoming overwhelmed and frazzled. As well-rested mothers, we are able to be more generous with our affection, and we tend to be more patient with the rollercoaster that is parenthood.  As burned out mothers we are irritable when the juice box spills in the car, and we are quick to anger when our two year old scribbles on the table. In other words, when we are burned out, our kids pay a heavy price.

Although it's tempting to demonstrate our abilities to multi-task, therefore participating in the competition to be the busiest mother, it's better to focus on having quality time with your children. If possible, distance yourself from other mothers who make you feel like you have to compete with their busy schedule.  Let them have the title of busiest mother. Your children will thank you for it.

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