I think my child is being bullied. What can I do?
With school bullying rates estimated as high as 30 percent, it is very likely that your child has either been directly involved in bullying or has witnessed it as a bystander, particularly among children of middle school age. Here's how you can talk to you child about bullying.
As a parent and a pediatrician, I worry about the widespread bullying in our schools and communities, on our playgrounds and buses, and the far-reaching repercussions on our children. If you aren’t thinking about this with your child, you are probably missing it. With school bullying rates estimated as high as 30 percent, it is very likely that your child has either been directly involved in bullying or has witnessed it as a bystander, particularly among children of middle school age. I’m writing to let you know that there is a lot that we can do to stem this “bullying epidemic.” Armed with awareness and knowledge of the appropriate actions you can take, you can do a lot to help your child avoid conflict and be part of a healthy school environment.
Consider this example: an 11-year-old boy has just started middle school and now rides the bus with older children. On the first day of school, an eighth grade student takes the boy's lunch on the bus. Afraid, the sixth grader says nothing and cowers in his bus seat. The next day, the eighth grader makes fun of the sixth grader, everyone on the bus laughs and the younger boy turns over his lunch to the bully. The younger boy is embarrassed to tell his parents or teacher, so he goes without lunch and by the end of the school day is very hungry, grumpy, and sleepy. This pattern goes on for several weeks and he now cannot sleep and fears getting on the school bus. By this time, the younger boy has been called into the principal's office for falling asleep in class.
On the face of it, parents and teachers might think that this is simply a boy who is having trouble adjusting to school. In reality, he was very excited to start middle school, but bullying has gotten in the way of his ability to learn and socialize with his new classmates. This boy's story is not real, but rather a composite face of a victim of bullying — ongoing, repetitive aggression occurring within the context of a power imbalance (i.e. the aggressor is older, stronger, or more popular). Individual aggressive acts, such as two teammates getting into a shoving match after practice, are concerning and should be addressed, but do not constitute bullying.
Harmful bullying behavior can take several different forms:
Physical bullying is related to dominance and is the most prevalent form of aggression and bullying among boys (as compared to relational). The associated behaviors can include hitting, kicking, and threatening violence.
Relational aggression involves the manipulation of social standing or reputations and is the most prevalent form of aggression and bullying among girls. The associated behaviors can include starting rumors and social exclusion (behavior famously depicted in the movie "Mean Girls").
Cyber bullying has become more prevalent in the "digital age" and involves using electronics to harm others. This type of bullying can be especially harmful because it is more difficult to identify the perpetrators, it can more quickly and impulsively be spread to larger audiences, and the physical evidence of the bullying cannot be easily erased from cyberspace. Victims of cyber bullying are often also victims of traditional off-line bullying.
How do I know if my child is being bullied, and what can I do to help?
There are warning signs to look out for. These can include behavior changes such as not wanting to go to school, faking an illness, or difficulty sleeping and more tangible signs such as unexplained injuries, lost or destroyed personal items, or suddenly declining grades. You know your child best – if you suspect he is being bullied, a good first step is to talk to him and get the facts about the situation. It is also imperative that you speak with your child's teacher. School staff, including teachers, school staff, and administrators, play a critical role in creating a positive school climate that is inclusive, fosters trust, and has zero tolerance for bullying behaviors. By working together with school staff, you can help your child feel safe at school again.
My child is happy in school and does not exhibit any of the signs mentioned above. So I don't have anything to worry about, right?
That is terrific news. However, it's still important to talk to her about bullying and be aware of the warning signs — research indicates that the vast majority of students witness bullying attacks as bystanders, so it is likely she will observe bullying behaviors during her school career. In a positive school climate, incidences of school bullying can be curbed by giving student bystanders the awareness and tools they need to take positive action if/when bullying does occur. For instance, a bystander that takes a positive action such as coming to the victim's aid, asking a teacher for help, or even just walking away can shift the attention and power away from the bully and help put an end to the behavior. So even if your child is not directly involved in bullying, it's still important to provide her with insight on how to be a positive bystander (and, therefore, a good classmate and friend) and to help contribute to a constructive school environment.
This month marks National Bullying Prevention Month. Here are some helpful resources for you to share with other parents and your child's school:
The Children's Hospital of Philadelphia's Violence Prevention Initiative
National Crime Prevention Council
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