Helping our kids learn their behavior has consequences

Today's guest blogger is Katie Hoffses, PhD, a pediatric psychologist at Nemours / A.I. duPont Hospital for Children.

As you have probably seen, Ethan Couch, the "Affluenza Teen", and his mother were recently apprehended in Mexico after fleeing the country for allegedly violating terms of his probation.  Couch was arrested in 2013 after a drunk driving incident in which four people were killed and several others injured.  During Couch's trial, a psychologist hired by the defense team testified that the teen was the product of "affluenza" – unaware of the consequences of his actions due to his wealthy upbringing.

After his trial, Couch was sentenced to a rehabilitation facility and 10 years probation for his actions.  His case has sparked nationwide public outrage not only at the teen's actions, but also his parents and his so-called "affluenza" defense.

Parents are naturally inclined to want to shield their children from unpleasantness and failure. But what this recent, albeit extreme, case underscores is how important it is for children to learn that their behavior has consequences. From toddlerhood on up, sensible and consistent consequences in line with children's behavior will help them grow into responsible, capable adults.

How Parents Can Help

Starting at an early age, parents should respond when a child misbehaves as consistently and quickly as possible.  This means giving consequences appropriate to their behavior.  If a young child refuses to clean up her toys, a logical consequence might be that she doesn't get to play with the toys for a brief period of time or until she has helped with another chore around the house.  If a school aged child breaks a household rule, he could lose phone, computer, or TV time. If a teen skips school, her behavior might result in the removal of privileges such as use of the car or time with friends.

Children thrive on structure and on knowing what to expect. No matter what the child's age, if boundaries and consequences for misbehavior are loose or inconsistent, the child will push back at those boundaries. The more consistent that parents can be, the more likely their children will display positive behavior over time.  In addition, parents should consistently try to present a united front and recognize good or desired behavior when it occurs.

In the media, the "affluenza" teen's parents have been criticized for using their wealth to shield their son from negative consequences.  It is very important to teach children and adolescents about the value of money and that electronics, cars, and social outings are not necessarily rights, but privileges.  Even though we frequently rely on electronics, we shouldn't give them to our children indiscriminately.

When a child does earn a privilege, such as a smart phone, establish house rules for where and when the device can be used. For example, all phones are on the kitchen table by 8:00 p.m., mom and dad can monitor your phone at any time and must have your passwords. If a child damages or loses a device, rather than simply replacing it, it's entirely appropriate for parents to say "Let's work on how you can earn that."

I often encourage parents to develop clear guidelines with their children for how specific privileges will be earned and when sensible, logical consequences will be delivered.  This can be done through a behavioral contract or another system in which we outline specific rules for home and how privileges will be earned and lost.  For example, if a child receives all passing grades on their interim reports they can go to the movies with a friend.  If an adolescent misses curfew, they cannot go out the following night.  You can negotiate a bit with your children, but it should be clear what the expectations are for maintaining privileges and what the consequences are for not meeting these expectations.

Bear in mind, parents are the final judge of what is acceptable and whether the terms of the contract have been met by the child. Resist the urge to give the child a pass or bend the rules. If the agreement isn't met, try to work on ways for the child to earn back the privileges.

As children mature and look more and more to their peers for how to behave, they will need to know that boundaries are in place.  You may face some rebellion – it's part of adolescence – but they won't be surprised when facing consequences for their behavior as teens if you're laid the groundwork.  If you've tried the strategies discussed here, and your child or teen refuses to cooperate with sensible, consistent consequences, seek assistance from providers trained in child and adolescent psychology. We all want our children to learn to cope, problem solve, make good decisions, and grow into responsible adults.

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