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Help! My child really doesn’t want to go back to school

Some children approach the start of school with apprehension and resistance. Here are some tips to help your child.

Today's guest blogger is Paul A. LeBuffe, M.A., director of the Center for Resilient Children of Devereux Advanced Behavioral Health.

The start of school is fast approaching and while many children feel excitement about a new school year, some children approach this transition with apprehension and resistance. There can be any number of reasons for this, which can include routine disruption, academic anxiety, playground politics, new social settings, or bully-infested bus rides.

The first step is recognizing and acknowledging how your child is feeling. In some cases, your child might express her apprehension or resistance to you directly. In other cases, your child might not be able to articulate her apprehension. If you start to notice disruptions in your child's behavior as the new school year approaches – like trouble sleeping, separation anxiety, aggressive or defiant behavior – it is a good idea to engage your child in a conversation about what might be making her act differently than usual.

Your child may have difficulty expressing the root of her anxiety. Try to get your child to open up about her feelings. Watch and describe what she is sharing with you with "I hear you saying…". Ask follow-up questions when she seems to want to share more with you. It is important to reinforce that whatever way she is feeling is okay – having a range of feelings is healthy – and that there are ways to handle her feelings with positive behavior that can help dispel negative feelings.

Common causes for back to school anxiety include routine disruption, academic concerns and social pressure.

Routine disruption

Sometimes the source of your child's anxiety could be as straightforward as the disruption that school presents to her now comfortable summer routine.

  1. Focus on the positive: The new school year presents a lot of exciting opportunities for your child – making new friends, finding new hobbies, and trying new activities. Create a list with your child of all the things she has to look forward to in the new school year and continue to add to it!

  2. Rehearse: Schedule a visit to your child's new classroom to meet her teacher and get a sense of her new environment. Practice getting ready for school ahead of time and talk about the child's school day routine.

Academic concerns

The new school year means new academic challenges. Even if your child is successful in school, the prospect of more difficult material may be daunting.

  1. Make a plan for success: Talk with your child about how you'll tackle challenging new subjects together. Make a plan to set aside time each night to review assignments and practice skills.

  2. Stress the failure is OK: Your child may find that she has to work harder than she did last year to keep up. She may encounter failures and disappointments along the way. Remind your child that it's OK and that everyone struggles sometimes! Share a story about a time you experienced failure. Praise your child's effort and encourage her to continue working hard and focusing on doing her best.

Social pressure

A new class, a new grade, or even a new school is awash with unfamiliar faces and some familiar, but unfavorable faces. Adjusting to new peers and new social dynamics can take getting used to.

  1. Open communication: Ask your child about her school life daily. As much as possible, let her do the talking. Discuss instances of conflict and offer guidance on how to handle them. Encourage positive relationships. Stay involved and supportive.

  2. Model behavior: Positive relationship cues come from home. Show your child affection regularly with warm hugs, reassuring touches or simply, a smile. Get involved in your child's interests. Showing you care about her and what she is interested in helps build her confidence. Self-confidence is key to building and maintaining healthy relationships.

It is important that you continue to check in with your child to see how things are going. In most cases, she'll be fine once your child gets into the swing of things. In cases where anxiety persists, consider meeting with your child's teacher or the school's guidance counselor to express your concerns and ask for additional support.

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