Helicopter parenting may interfere with teens’ health care
Are you hovering too much during your teen's visit with a doctor?
When I first took my son to pre-school, he cried and cried. "You need to walk away — he'll be fine!" his teachers advised me. After a few weeks, I learned that they were right. When I took my son to college, I was the one who cried. Thank goodness for a seasoned orientation speaker who addressed the parents of incoming freshmen. His advice to us: "Let them go and spread their wings, but be there for them when they need you." In other words, he was urging each of us to avoid becoming a helicopter parent: one who is overly involved in his or her child's life. After a few years, I learned that he was right, too!
As a doctor for teenagers, I have noticed that many well-intentioned parents would likewise benefit from this advice with regard to their teens' health care. Helicopter parents can actually interfere with their teens' health care and prevent them from getting the most out of doctors' visits.
How much helicopter parenting is going on in medical offices? Too much, according to a recent poll of U.S. parents with at least one child 13-18 years of age:
Two-thirds of parents said they would complete the health history forms at the doctor's office without involving their teen.
Only one-third of parents said a clinician spoke privately with their teenager during exams (without a parent in the room).
Over two-thirds of parents said they made decisions about vaccinations without input from their teenager.
Over half of parents said that they would be involved in discussions between their teen and the doctor about physical, emotional or behavioral problems.
Only 5 percent of parents said their teens would ask questions related to their health independently.
Helpful or hovering? These findings suggest that teenagers, during their transition from childhood to adulthood, need to become more involved in their own health care. While parents can be enormously helpful during teens' medical visits, hovering can reduce both the time and opportunities teens have to make this happen. Here are a few recurrent situations that I experience in my own office; in some cases, parents are being really helpful; in others, they're hovering.
A parent asks to talk to me privately before the visit (hovering). Remember that this is the teenager's visit with the doctor. Trust is essential to any good relationship, including the doctor-patient relationship, and it starts to build from the moment the doctor walks into the room. That's why it is important for teens to be included in the conversation from the beginning of the visit.
A parent tells me the teen's past medical history (helpful). But first, I like to ask teens to answer their medical history questions — allergies, surgeries, hospitalizations, etc. — with the parent in the room to offer corrections and additions as needed. In this way, teens understand that it is important to learn about and take responsibility for their medical history.
A teen asks the parent to stay in the exam room, and the parent agrees (hovering). At the beginning of an appointment, I explain to the family that some time will be spent with the parent and teen in the room together, and then some time will be spent with the teen alone. Sometimes, teens say that they tell mom or dad "everything" and they would rather have the parent stay in the room. The parent may agree that there's no need to step out. Please understand, I am not trying to interfere with a close parent-child relationship — I encourage it! However, moms and dads need to leave the room so I can ask the teen about "sex, drugs, and rock n' roll" — things I always talk about confidentially with them.
A teen is describing problems with her menstrual periods and her mom says that she had the same problem when she was a teenager (helpful, but ...). It can be helpful because certain menstrual problems may be influenced by genetics, such as endometriosis or polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS). But, if her mom steers the discussion to her own medical issues, it takes time and attention away from the teen's visit.
A parent says "the pill causes cancer" or "the IUD will make her infertile" or "the HPV vaccine is too new" (hovering — and inaccurate). In fact, the pill doesn't cause cancer, intrauterine devices (IUDs) don't increase infertility, and the HPV vaccine has been extensively studied.
Giving credit where credit is due: Being a parent is one of life's greatest challenges. Thank goodness there are experienced pre-school teachers and college orientation speakers to keep us grounded, especially when the tears start coming!
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