Bullying: What Works--and Why Parents Must Act
Bullying. It has happened to many kids, including some who later became celebrities and politicians. Maybe it's happened to your child, too. Here are some tips on how to deal with it.
Bullying: What Works--and Why Parents Must Act
Rima Himelstein, M.D., Crozer-Keystone Health System
by Rima Himelstein, M.D.
Bullying. It has happened to many of my patients; maybe it’s happened to your child, too. When it happens to celebrities like actor Kate Winslet, who was called “Blubber” and locked in an art-room closet, or former President Bill Clinton, who was called a “fat band boy” and hit in the jaw ... then it starts to gain more attention.Comedian Chris Rock is another star who was bullied in school, and he knows that bullying is no laughing matter. It is such a serious problem that October has been named National Bullying Prevention Month.
It’s about power or, rather, the imbalance of power. Bullying is a form of youth violence in which there is an imbalance of power with one child or group of children causing harm, fear, or distress in another child through repeated attacks. Bullying may take various forms:
- Physical, including hitting, punching and kicking
- Verbal, including teasing, name-calling or racial slurs
- Cyberbullying, including harassing e-mails, text messages, or internet posts
Sadly, bullying is as much a part of school for many children as is reading, writing, and arithmetic. Three numbers you should know:
- Up to half of all children have been bullied.
- Three-fourths of 8 to 11-year-olds say teasing and bullying happen at their school.
- About 160,000 children miss school every day out of fear of being bullied.
Bullying usually starts in elementary school and peaks in middle school; it also occurs in high school. Here’s the typical scenario: bullies begin the school year by targeting and “testing” a number of smaller, weaker children. Those who respond by showing fear, crying, or giving in to the bullies’ demands are repeatedly bullied.
Some people who become bullies may:
- Witness physical and verbal violence or aggression at home
- Have trouble following rules
- Show little concern for the feelings of others
Victims of bullying are more likely to be:
- Very sensitive
- Socially withdrawn
- Lacking in confidence
Bullying may have lasting negative effects . Many parents don't think that bullying is as big a problem as bringing a weapon to school or drug use, but they’re wrong.
Bullies are at increased risk for:
- Mental health problems
- Substance abuse
- Criminal behavior
Victims are at increased risk for:
- Poor school adjustment
- Mental health problems
- Suicide ("bullycide" is a victim's suicide that occurs due to extreme bullying)
Children who have been both bullies and victims (“bully-victims”) suffer the most serious consequences. Sometimes a teen or child who has been bullied eventually becomes the bully as a way to retaliate. In fact, revenge for bullying is one of the strongest motivations for school shootings.
How can parents help? If your child is being bullied, do something. I favor this approach:
- Talk to your child's teacher—don’t confront the bully's parents. Consider talking to the principal, too.
- Practice with your child how to act confidently: walk upright, look people in the eye, and speak clearly.
- Discuss nonviolent alternatives to deal with bullies: play with friends or walk away; if no success, tell an adult.
- Involve your child in activities outside school—maybe a sport; he or she can make new friends and build confidence and self-esteem.
The ultimate goal is to stop bullying before it ever starts. To achieve this goal, children must understand the difference between bullying and friendly teasing or “horsing around”; they need to understand that bullying is never okay.
The children who bully need our help, too. They need counseling. It can help them understand why they act as they do and it can teach them how to interact with others in more positive ways. Family counseling is essential, too.
Watch a video ... and while you’re at it, make a video. Yes, I am a pediatrician recommending screen time!
- for pre-teens ...
- for teens ...
- by other teens ... The organization, We Stop Hate, was started by a 16-year-old girl who was a victim of bullying, and features videos created by teens for teens.
- by your teen ... The Stop Bullying Video Challenge will award cash prizes for the best teen-made videos.
Is your child a bully ... or the victim of bullying? Share your story with us.
Rima Himelstein, M.D., is a Crozer-Keystone Health System pediatrician and adolescent medicine specialist.
Thank you for your post.
As a parent, educator, anti-bullying activist and the person who first coined the term "cyberbullying", I would like to share four Websites I have created that seek to prevent bullying through education and awareness. I hope that they may be of help, information and support to others.
http://www.bullying.org
The world's most visited and referenced Website about bullying
http://www.cyberbullying.ca
The world's first Website about cyberbullying
http://bullyingcourse.com
Offering Professional research-based, online courses and Webinars about bullying and cyberbullying for educators and parents
http://www.bullyingawarenessweek.org
The official Website of the annual National Bullying Awareness Week
I hope that these educational resources may prove helpful to you and your community.
Sincerely,
Bill Belsey
President,
Bullying.org
"Where you are NOT alone!"
e-mail: help@bullying.org
Follow us on Twitter: @Bullying_org
— Bill Belsey- Peter Yarrow of the folk group Peter, Paul and Mary, is a founder of Operation Respect (www.operationrespect.org), which is also directed at bullying and is active in the US as well as many other countries. Well worth checking out this site. — Pete H
- Great post. My child had a problem with a bully and I took immediate action by contacting the teacher and then the principal. I think parents hesitate to get involved for various reasons, but the bottom line is that it is your job to protect your child and the bullying is probably worse than you are aware.
Also, the advice of getting your child involved in outside activities is crucial. Today, there are so many outlets for sports, the arts, music, etc that there is sure to be something out there your child will enjoy. We watched our child blossom as he discovered new talents and it definitely boosted confidence.
— lulu - May I add to that please? Yes, going to the teacher and Principal are the first step. However, you have to stay on top of this. As a parent, that is not your only or last action. I know this from experience. In Philadelphia Public Schools the various levels of administration and bureaucracies are agenda driven to keep violence statistics down. How do they do it? The wrong way of course. They take the easy way out and UNDER REPORT violence. Therefore, an act of bullying/violence is reduced. They tend to mollify parents with feigned concern and a lot of lip service instead of taking the bull by the horns and accurately reporting. What happens is the student perpetrator of violence is allowed to remain among the general population. This often leads to repeat offenses and puts more innocent students in danger. Parents have to be vigilant. Now, especially, because the zero tolerance rules have been relaxed and the individual principals have much more discretion in such matters. Regardless of what they say, I firmly believe that the prime objective is to keep the crime and violent stats down and, unfortunately, the safety of the children is second. Be careful parents! When you suspect that the school administration is stonewalling and you are just getting lip service, call THE BULLY HOTLINE @ 215-400-SAFE. Another option is to report serious acts to the city police. Don't be afraid, IT IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO ADVOCATE FOR YOUR CHILD.
http://webgui.phila.k12.pa.us/offices/s/student-discipline/policies--procedures/bullying-prevention2/bullying-hotline— D.C. Stinkley - Want to know how to keep a child from being bullied? DON'T TREAT HIM OR HER LIKE A BABY! There's nothing worse than a parent dropping their child off at school and fawning all over them with hugs and kisses for all their peers to see. Just say "Have a good day" or "Good luck on that math test" and leave it at that.— JetDrive
Comment removed.- Bullies are cowards. Best thing to do Is grab a brick & hit them in the back of the head with it.— Jay Grace 69
- Contacting the teacher and principle are the best methods but majority of the time that doesnt work.Talking the parents of the bullies doesnt work either. The parents tend to share the same behavior of their children. My advice sign your child up for a self defense class and have them protect themselves. Bullies attack in groups in now and every child should be prepared for it. You can hurt a person more by ignoring them but you will have to defend yourself— eisfresh
- Pressure goes the path of least resistance, in the real world nice kids are victimized by thugs. Generally speaking, nice kids are nice because their parents are properly ordered, thugs are disordered because their parents are disordered. With this in mind, who do you think teachers will lean on, nice or thug?
That's right, nice people. They don't want to deal with the thug or his parents.
So it's up to you. Perhaps you may consider, signing your child up for wrestling or boxing. Both have the advantage of the student actually applying force to control his opponent, it's real. Wrestling is great because there are clubs everywhere and it's just about free. Boxing is more expensive but also very effective. Nothing like a stiff jab in the face to modify deviant behavior.— Joe Keenan - Problem is when kids start to use bullying to get back at other students who they don't like. This is a term that can also be abused, much like racism is today.— neddyflanders
- Please check out the site www.projectrespect.org. Project Respect was co-founded by Peter Yarrow (of Peter, Paul and Mary, a folk group many of you should remember). This organization specifically addresses the problems of bullying, not only in the USA, but world-wide.— Pete H
- Oops! My bad!
Project Respect is an organization addressing sexual abuse, which is a different form of bullying, and very troubling also, but not directly relevant here.
I meant Operation Respect: www.operationrespect.org, which is the anti-bullying organization co-founded by Peter Yarrow.— Pete H - How about the parents stop coddling little Johnny and Suzie.. U parents are a disgrace today the way you raise your "sissies"... No wonder why the suicide rate is the highest by FAR it's ever been.. Soon as something don't go their way, they jump in front of a train.. How about a little old school, like when your kid is being bullied, you tell them to crack them in the jaw!! Worked back in the day, i'll tell ya that..But I guess you don't want to hurt their Palmolive hands!!! Sissies!!!— elfman
- Find the best, traditional martial arts school in your area and take your kid there 3-4 days a week.— Murrayman
I find addressing the bullies parents works far better than going to school admin. They will never advocate for the student being bullied, only make excuses and sweep the stats under the rug.— 835union
