What 'The Gang of Five' Wants

(A brief discussion twixt Baer & Baer's editor, a.k.a. BE)

BE: Ya know, JB, with the always-inevitable Mitt Romney still looking inevitable, the question I have is what do the other five GOP candidates really want?

JB: Well, let's take them one at a time. You tell me what you think. I'll tell you what I think. How about Newt?

BE: He clearly wants Mitt and all other candidates to drop the "pious baloney."

JB: Well, that would cut into his own pitch. I think he wants personal vengence on Mitt for blowing him up in Iowa. Either that or he wants to prove South Carolina was wise in naming its official state amphibian the "spotted salamander," which really is a newt. Perry?

BE: Perry wants to prove he can remember up to three things at one time.

JB: I think you're right. Paul?

BE: He wants respect, a prime-time speaking slot at the Tampa convention and maybe a plank in the party platform promoting personal liberties, or else he'll mount a third-party campaign

JB: I think he wants to clear a path for his son, Sen. Rand Paul, to run in 2016 and so won't mount a third-party run. Huntsman?

BE: He wants to develop a personality that actually connects with voters without speaking Mandarin.

JB: Probably. But he also wants to position himself to spend his father's billions next time around after the economy settles and the anger is gone and tea party evaporates and moderate, sensible Republicans become popular again. Santorum?

BE: Hmm. Hard to say. Party already has a pro-life plank and hates gay marriage. Maybe he wants a spot on the ticket.

JB: Too much of a lightning rod in a General Election. I think he wants to start up a signature line of smart, high-end 100 percent wool gray sweater vests then branch out with a line of rainbow-colored vests to appeal to a larger market to expand his base for when he runs again.

BE: Maybe he can even appeal to "blah" people by then.

JB: Let's not get crazy here.