No 'zombie apocalypse' coming, government says

Unless somebody starts giving away brains, the Zombie Apocalypse isn't likely to happen soon, according to the Centers for Disease Control.

Ya gotta love the Centers for Disease Control, that Atlanta-based respected giant of health care, whose mission is to provde the "information, expertise and tools" needed to protect public health.

The CDC has officially declared there is no "zombie apocalypse."

I'm not kidding.

This comes after a slew of disturbing news reports regarding people eating other people, which apparently drove some to worry that, you know, there IS a "zombie apocalypse."

But take heart (not literally, of course). The agency announced it does not know of "a virus or condition that would reanimate the dead" or one that would present zombie-like symptoms.

Thank God.

I mean there was that naked guy in Miami who ate the face off a 65-year old man. And there was a 21-year student from Maryland who admitted eating his roomate's heart and part of his brain. And a porn actor reportedly killed, raped and then ate flesh from the corpse of his Chinese lover.

You can see there might be concerns, what with all this happening in rapid succession.

But a CDC spokesperson dismissed "fictional viruses" that can cause cannibalism in humans, such as Ataxic Neurodegenrative Satiety Deficiency Syndrome, which has been outlined by a Harvard University professor in a fake medical journal.

What's more fun than a fake medical journal?

You can read all about the CDC's comforting announcement regarding zombies here.

And, having dismissed zombies as a daily concern, I'm hoping the CDC now offers some assurances that, for example, the Mayan calendar end-of-times prediction is wrong; that looking at online porn won't decrease one's social skills; that urban bike lanes can cure road rage; and that banning big-gulp soft drinks really is the path to universal health care.

That way the agency can live up to its trademark slogan -- Protecting Lives. Saving People -- and leave issues regarding the undead, well, dead.