Bed, Bath & Beyond

(A brief discussion twixt Baer & Baer's editor, a.k.a. BE)

BE: I am REALLY steamed today!

JB: Why would today be different?

BE: I just read that the Legislature has passed and the Governor has signed a law banning bath salts.

JB: You read correctly, His Corbettness signed it yesterday afternoon.

BE: This is an outrage! This is another example of government intrusion going way too far into our personal lives! Our bedrooms! Now our bathrooms! What's next?

JB: Beyond?

BE: I'm serious. I love a good bath with Burt's Bees bath salts and essential oils. It helps release the lactic acid after a run or a workout. Now what do I do now?

JB: Maybe they'll ban lactic acid.


JB: Well, actually, boss, the bath salts now banned are not the bath salts you buy from Burt.

BE: No?

JB: No. They're designer drugs sold as bath salts, usually containing something called MDPV, a hallucinogen often marketed under names such as White Girl and Ivory Snow. It's effect is not unlike cocaine's.

BE: Oh, well, that's different.

JB: It is. Here's the story of the bill-signing. And here's the bill's main sponsor, Sen. Elder Vogel.

BE: Wait, wait. Elder Vogel? The man who wants in my bathroom is Elder Vogel? What is this, some sort of Children of the Corn movie?

JB: Actually, he's a dairy farmer. Fourth generation. Represents parts of far-west counties counties such as Beaver and Lawrence. And he's chairman of the Senate Agriculture & Rural Affairs Committee.

BE: How is this an agricultural issue?

JB: More like a straight-shooter issue. For example, U.S. Sen. Bob Casey who, as you know, walks silently in shadows until facing re-election, issued a press release yesterday congratulating lawmakers and the Guv on the ban.

BE: Oh, brother. I think the whole country's going down the toilet.

JB: Ha! Good one, boss.

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