Sunday, November 23, 2014
Inquirer Daily News

All signs point to the Apocalypse

So Jason Giambi hit three home runs last night. When he hit the third, a blast off Dannys Baez, my friend and I sat there in disbelief. After he had time to release a string of obscenities that I can't repeat here, he turned to me and said, "Three home runs, huh? I'm actually starting to buy into all this end of the world [expletive deleted]."

All signs point to the Apocalypse

Jason Giambi hits his first of three home runs. (Yong Kim/Staff)
Jason Giambi hits his first of three home runs. (Yong Kim/Staff)

So Jason Giambi hit three home runs last night. When he hit the third, a blast off Dannys Baez, my friend and I sat there in disbelief. After he had time to release a string of obscenities that I can't repeat here, he turned to me and said, "Three home runs, huh? I'm actually starting to buy into all this end of the world [expletive deleted]."

I laughed, but then I started thinking: Were there other signs? What else did I miss?

I didn't want to bog you down with too many stats and rankings on your last day on Earth. So here is a list of some other signs that the rapture is upon us:

1. Walking all over Lee - Cliff Lee walked SIX batters in his last start. Last year, Lee didn't allow his sixth free pass until inning number 112 on the season, and even that was an intentional walk. When will he start next? You guessed it, tomorrow night, just over an hour after the world is supposed to end.

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2. Bautista has more home runs than RBI - Ok, I know that isn't possible, but Jays slugger Jose Bautista has SIX home runs in his last eight games, and just 8 RBI to show for it. Last season, just 46% of his home runs came with the bases empty. This season, however, a whopping 69% have been solo shots. While he does have 27 RBI on they year, you would expect a guy with 16 home runs to have a few more, especially when you look at his numbers from last season.

3. Weaver so cold he might be safe from the hellfire - After starting the season with SIX straight wins, Jared Weaver has dropped four straight decisions. His ERA in April (6-0) was 0.99, but so far in May (0-4) it is 5.25. It's not all his fault, however. The Angels have scored just SIX runs in his four losses.

4. Prince Albert in a can? - That's what the Cardinals seem to have. And they better hope Albert Pujols finds his way out soon. The perennial MVP candidate hasn't hit a home run in his last 24 games and is batting just .264 on the season. That is the longest home run drought of his 10-year career. For one of the most consistent players in the game, this should concern more than just Cardinals fans, since it must certainly be considered a sign of the apocalypse. Even scarier is the fact that he has just SIX RBI in his last THIRTEEN games.

4a. The return of (Fat) Elvis - In a related note, Lance Berkman has been raking. Since many conspiracies abound about the death of Elvis, including aliens, how can we ignore Fat Elvis's return to power.

5. Hip, Hip, Jorge? - Can you imagine Jorge Posada in anything other than Yankee's pinstripes? I certainly can't. But with the recent disagreement over his spot in the lineup and the ensuing fallout makes it look like Posada could be on his way out of the Bronx. He is struggling this season, that's no secret. He is the 667th ranked player in Yahoo fantasy baseball, which is dangerously close to, well, 666 (Kevin Slowey*). I always thought I'd see hell freeze over before I saw Posada, Derek Jeter or Mariano Rivera play for another team...

6. I hope they serve Slim Jim's in heaven - Finally, what could be worse than the passing of a legend. The untimely death of Randy Poffo, a.k.a Macho Man Randy Savage, is devastating to all men who grew up in the 90's. I found out something I didn't know about Macho Man, courtesy of @injuryrate on Twitter: He began his sports career playing professional baseball in the minors for the Cardinals and Reds. He hit .254 for his career and finished the 1974 season third in the league in RBI tied for fifth in home runs.

As one of my co-worker's pointed out, how will this affect the odds on Mucho Macho Man to win the Preakness? Coincidentally, the post time at Pimlico is 6:05 p.m., about the same time fire and brimstone is expected to begin raining down on all of us.

If indeed this is my last post, it's been fun. I'll catch you all on the other side. I'll be the guy snapping Slim Jim's with the Macho Man.

*This is good news for Twins' fans, as the rapture can't come soon enough for them.

 

Don't forget to sign up for the second week of the FanDuel $100,000 Daily Fantasy Baseball Championship, happening tonight. Picks lock at 7 p.m., so make sure to fill out your roster in time.

 


Matt Mullin is a sports producer at philly.com. You can reach him by e-mail at mmullin@philly.com. Follow Matt on Twitter: @matt_mullin

Matt Mullin Sports Editor
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From football to baseball, Fantasy Island is your stop for all things fantasy, with a Philly spin. Reach Matt at mmullin@philly.com.

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