Apocalypse now: ‘Jersey Shore’ cast to go

In a revelation that has shocked us to the very Ground of Being, MTV has decided that the original cast of its post-bac humanities distance college course, Jersey Shore, will be ousted after the reality series’ sixth season next year.

That means, for those readers with Jersey Shore-sized IQs, that if the show comes back for a seventh season, it will not feature Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi, Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino or even Jenni “JWoww” Farley, the three human beings who have made our lives worth living.

Yes, I’m afraid it’s Situation Critical in Seaside Heights!

In Touch Weekly says the dread news was first conveyed to the cast and crew last week when they showed up at the shore to begin shooting what will be their final season. (The season will have the pregnant Snooki living in a separate home of her own.)

“An executive producer announced that this season will be the last,” Anonymous “insider” tells In Touch.

“She stressed to the cast that fans will remember them for this season, not the first, so they should bring their A game.”

The source says the cast did not let on they were sad. ““They decided to make the most of their final days at the Shore,” said the source.

We know better.

We know the show’s supporting players Paul “Pauly D” DelVecchio and his pals Sammi “Sweetheart” Giancola, Ronnie Ortiz-Magro and Deena “No Nickname” Cortese and Vinny Guadagnino are shattered. We know they weep within.

Yet it’s a testament to their fortitude, their spirit, their esprit de corps that they don’t let on just how hurt they are.

And what of Jersey Shore’s top stars, that most honorable triumvirate of pre-Mensa heroes, that trinity of sex, booze and bad grammar? We think they’ll move on to bigger and better things.

The Situation for president! We say.