Dear Dr. Dan, 

I just have to say I have struggled with my own relationship with our only daughter who is married, independent and happy. But after feeling invisible and no longer needed we began to really clash and I sensed a distance I never expected to have with her.  After having a few days together this past summer it exploded with tears of frustration and sadness with me. I also felt a lack of respect and consideration while spending time together.  I was missing the friendship we once had and wondered "what happened"?   There was even a smugness and just disregard that I was even present. It hurt and pissed me off.We did finally sit down and I was able to share all of this with my daughter, things have changed for the better and I think because we really honestly made each other aware and expressed what we were feeling made the difference.  She's married,  and like it or not, our son-in-law has her attention,evolving mother 

Dear evolving mother,

this stuff used to be so easy, didn't it?  they wear the children and we were the parents.  We've made the rules and they listened or not.  And we reprimanded or punished or nagged, but whatever we did, we were still the parents.  But there is a certain subtle point in these relationships where those two dimensional rules no longer work.  Children become adults and we become more than parents, we become people.  We get into difficulties when one or both parties clutch throws old roles.  Parents continue the old-style of lecturing and children continue to, well, act as children.Complicating things are different styles of parenting.  Most boomers were raised in the "children should be seen and not heard" family-style.  We raise our children quite differently.  Our relationships with our children were more intimate and involved.  So don't we have a right to expect that going forward? Not so fast.  Our adult children are adults.  And have their own values, expectations and loyalties that may or may not conform to yours.When my grandson Sam was a infant, my daughter Debbie put him on my lap while she went to do something in the other room.  He started to squirm and slid off my lap and onto the floor.  He wasn't hurt, but he was pretty startled and screamed.  This was the first time anything like this had happened, so to became racing into the room scooped him up and walked away leaving me alone feeling guilty and helpless.  What she did was appropriate and understandable.  But I didn't know if she was angry at me or even if she would ever let me hold him again.  Of course, my thoughts are not rational, but it was then that I fully realized the lines of authority in our relationship had just shifted radically.I can almost picture you nodding your head as you read this story has this is exactly what has happened to you.  In this case, your daughter was making a statement that she is an adult now and your feelings, although important, are not the only feelings she cares about.  Of course that is hurtful to you.  And behind that hurt, there is a sense of loss that many of us feel.  But trust me, this new relationship can be wonderful if both generations release their grasp on the old one.

Jane Isay, author of“Walking on Eggshells: Navigating the delicate relationship between adult children and parents”, traveled the country interviewing adult children and their parents.  She found that adult children want the same things younger children do; they want their strengths acknowledged, they want to know that you are proud of them and that your love for them is unyielding.  And there is two things our adult children don't want.  They don't want our guilt and they certainly don't want to hear our lectures anymore.