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Archive: January, 2009

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Friday, January 30, 2009

Dear Dr. Dan,

I guess I am really looking for signs of hope that my life will get better, and I will have fun and enjoy life again. I have been told that you have up to 2 years to get returns from your injury. Is this really true, or is it something that we are told to pacify us? As I wrote before I just got my lower abdominal muscles back, which is really helping with balance, and my bowel program. I am really hoping for more return since it has not been a year yet. I know that I won't be like before my accident, but I am hoping to get closer than what I am now. I was always working, swimming, traveling, etc. and now I get on the city bus and go to therapy and that is it. I know I should be happy that I am still here, and deep down I really am, but it just has to get better than this! Thanks for listening.

Well, the answer to your first question is easy. I'm not able to walk. I am a C5-6 complete. But I don't think they are giving you hope just to pacify you. I am told that it takes up to 18 months for swelling in the spinal cord to go down. I wrote a story in "Letters to Sam" about how when I was going through rehab they were giving me arm strengthening exercises and after one week, I was able to turn pages in a book independently. They were all so happy, but I was angry. I told them that just a few years ago I had written a 300 page doctoral dissertation, how could I be happy about turning the page? But then a couple of years later I was in my office and I was trying to move a file from my desk to my lap and I began to lose the file. So I slowly slid it down the side of the desk and got it on the floor so that it was leaning on the desk and after a few minutes I was able to get my thumb under the file and get it back on my desk. I was exhausted, but I felt pretty good about my accomplishment. So what was the difference? Back then, I was trying to be the person I had been and I was failing. But later, I was trying to be the person I had become and was succeeding.

I have no idea what your potential is for functional return. I had none. But I know you have the same potential for happiness that you did before the accident. As a matter of fact, I am probably happier than I was before the accident. And why? I've had no choice but to become the person I am and have done a pretty good job of it. I like who I am, I like the contributions I am making to help others, and I love the fact that I am truly grateful for so many things in my life. It took a lot of time to get here, but it has been worth it. But please know that I went through everything you are going through and it was terrible. And please don't give up hope to one day you will smile knowing that you have discovered something precious that can never be taken away

Posted by Dan Gottlieb @ 9:04 AM  Permalink | Post a comment
Friday, January 30, 2009

Almost anyone who can communicate has said something about what it Barack Obama's inauguration meant to them, but there was one sentence in his inaugural speech that struck me as particularly important. It's the last sentence in the following paragraph:

"Our challenges may be new. The instruments with which we meet them may be new. But those values upon which our success depends — hard work and honesty, courage and fair play, tolerance and curiosity, loyalty and patriotism — these things are old. These things are true. They have been the quiet force of progress throughout our history. What is demanded then is a return to these truths. What is required of us now is a new era of responsibility — a recognition, on the part of every American, that we have duties to ourselves, our nation, and the world, duties that we do not grudgingly accept but rather seize gladly, firm in the knowledge that there is nothing so satisfying to the spirit, so defining of our character, than giving our all to a difficult task. "

 

What moves me most about this passage is the fact that the president seems to understand that the healing power of service to others comes from genuine compassion.

I'm happy that more schools are incorporating community service in their curriculum. It's a very nice way of teaching young people that their personal problems are not as big as they think. But the president wants even more than to just do the work of helping others in the larger world. He wants us to seize the responsibility gladly. And to do that, we must change the focus of our lens.

In "letters to Sam" I talked about an old Jewish parable (I guess all Jewish parables are old) about how before a child is born God infuses this child with all of the wisdom and knowledge they will need in life. And then he puts his finger on the child's mouth and says shhhhh, thus making a secret pact between the child and God. And as the story goes, that's why the we all have an indentation on our upper lip, that's gods fingerprint! Regardless of your theology or ideology, we do have a quality of inner wisdom and wholeness. All of us.

So in order to make the transition from caring for others "grudgingly" to doing so with genuine compassion involves that indentation on the upper lip. When we see another human being, try looking at the upper lip first and understand that person has more in common with you than you previously thought. And then look in their eyes and you will see what I mean.

It is then as you care for a fellow human being (even animal or plant) with openhearted compassion, you begin to understand that your world is bigger than you previously thought, that it is less frightening and more kindred. It is then that you can feel secure in the knowledge that real happiness is about what you do and not what you have.

Posted by Dan Gottlieb @ 9:01 AM  Permalink | Post a comment
About Dan Gottlieb
Welcome to my new blog and weekly on-line chat.
To be considered for an on-line consultation with Dan, send an e-mail describing your concerns to drdangottlieb@aol.com

Every Tuesday at noon I will be live for an hour to chat with one person in real time. Ask Dan Here


Throughout the week I'll be posting entries about research I find interesting, your emails and my responses, random observations about life and current events and recommendations for books, lectures or webpages. Feel free to e-mail me questions, reactions or vignettes about your life though I cannot respond to everyone. And please know that if I use your correspondence, although I will try to disguise identifying characteristics, because this is a public forum, I cannot assure confidentiality.

Understand this is not psychotherapy and cannot be a substitute for it. Further, I cannot assess or diagnose. The purpose of this dialogue is to be educational and perhaps to help writers and viewers gain a different perspective on themselves. People needing help should contact a mental health professional.

Dan Gottlieb is a psychologist and marital therapist and has been in practice nearly 40 years. His career started in community mental health and substance abuse until his accident in 1979 made him a quadriplegic.

Since that time, he has been in private practice. Since 1985, he has been hosting a radio show called "Voices in the Family" on WHYY FM, Philadelphia's NPR affiliate. He was a regular columnist for the Philadelphia Inquirer from 1994 until 2008. He is also the author of four books.

www.drdangottlieb.com

Voices In The Family on WHYY

philly.com