Today's chat will be about living life while facing death and finding meaning in the process. Today's guest will be psychologist James Coane who specializes in trauma and has a special interest in existential aspects of personality.
Sometime around age 6 or seven, most children realize something about death. Often it's the death of a grandparent or a family pet. But pretty soon children figure out that their parents could die. And then there is a flash of realization that they could die.
This death anxiety usually goes underground because it is just too much for us to deal with. And it stays underground for a long time. But it is always there and often revisits as we age more when we become ill. Such is the case with Ken.
On Tuesday's blog, we will be speaking about living life while facing death and finding meaning in the process. My guest will be psychologist James Coane who specializes in trauma and as special interest in existential aspects of personality.
Dr. Dan: I just turned 50. I developed a case of health anxiety (which I guess is ultimately death anxiety) after a pulmonary embolism episode two years ago. At one point, they thought a tumor might have caused the clot. Thus, I had to endure the mental anguish of several tests and body scans, etc. Fortunately, I came out of that episode fine physically but a month or two later I started getting severe health anxiety and cancer phobia. I've seen two therapists, one who pushed "thought records" on me so I'd think more rationally. Intellectually, it helped but emotionally I was still messed up. The next therapist said I needed to "expose" myself to my worst-case scenario (terminal cancer, wasting away, leaving my young children and wife, and an early death). This made me cry several times and I eventually "habituated" to it but the fear remains.
\I believe my challenge is dealing with my ego and living by my Soul.
I believed this even before the clot episode. Now it's even more important in my mind. You talk about managing the ego and opening your heart and living from that space. I would greatly appreciate any recommendations you might give me regarding how to address my ego/fear issue.
Dear Ken,
Yes, the anxiety you describe is called existential anxiety and it is both ego-based and universal. You see, the ego cannot tolerate the idea of no longer existing, so it drives us to form this big identity, leave our mark or "be all that we can be". The ego's demands are relentless, and in a way, inevitable. "You have to be somebody before you can be nobody" is a well-known Buddhist saying. It's really saying that we have to see how big and how strong we can get before we can let go of all of those ego-based acquisitions. But that's easier said than done. Because we might age, but that ego doesn't necessarily make sure along with us so that the demands continue. "After all" the ego might say "I cannot imagine this world without me in it."
Cultural anthropologist Ernest Becker wrote a seminal work in 1973 called "The Denial of Death". In it, he suggested that all of our social structures are about protecting us from death anxiety. Certainly all organized religions address that anxiety by promising us some form of afterlife or rebirth. So we struggle to make sure we are important, leave a mark, or make sure people are dependent on us. I recently accepted a lecture invitation for a year from now and jokingly said to someone that I have this obligation so I cannot die before that! Of course, I was playing with my ego because the ego wants us all to think we are important. I have good news and bad news. We are not, so we can stop fighting that battle.! So what now?
I have been thinking about these things for the last 30 years since I've become a quadriplegic. And in those 30 years, I have faced death many times. And as I age, I feel it getting closer. That's beyond knowing that it's getting closer, I feel it. And because of that, I can answer the question "so what now?" Live. The facts of your life can not change. You are older and more fragile than you want to be, and death moves closer. So between now and then, your job is to live your life as fully as possible, mourn what you have lost, love what you have and who you have and consolidate the wisdom you have accumulated over your years. Then teach your progeny is what you've learned in life and how you've learned it. That could be your way of saying thank you for this wonderful journey. Remember, you fear death because your life is precious to you, but when your mind races to the future you miss out on your life. So when you feel anxiety, just let yourself feel it until the next emotion crops up in a few seconds. But also notice the temperature in the room moment by moment, noticed your breath and the way your body feels. Notice the color of the sky and when you get quiet, simply notice how sadness and joy and fear and love all dance around inside of you moment by moment and none of them last very long.I wish you peace
Laurel Springs, , NJ
I contacted Dr. Art Bernstein, a psychologist with the New Jersey Department of developmental disabilities office in Voorhees New Jersey and showed him your e-mail. Here is his response: I would like to see a good psychological evaluation on this individual, and a review of her history. History and impact of long term seizures would be a critical factor, as neurological deterioration can result over time in seizure disorders. Another question would involve her current functional capabilities/limitations, and to what extent we are seeing the impact of psychiatric.... neurological.... other factors? County Board of Assistance and Center for Independent Living are 2 possible resources. Since her seizure disorder first appeared prior to age 22, it might be helpful to have one of our DDD intake workers take a look at this. You can have her family contact me at 856-770-5921, and I can direct them. Kate Honigfeld, a DDD intake specialist covering Camden County is very knowlegable, and may be a good resource for you: kate.honigfeld@dhs.state.nj.us
Critical self judgment is an issue I am sure we can all relate to.
This web chat will be about dealing with our harsh internal judge.
My guest for this chat will be Dr. Michael Baime, head of the Penn Program for Stress Management.
Since this is autism awareness month, many of us in the media have done many stories about autism. As a matter of fact, my show tomorrow (WHYY FM 12 p.m.) will be covering research and policy around autism treatment. But nothing captures the experience of being a parent of an autistic child as well as Amanda Radcliffe did in the following essay:
One Step at a Time
Finding Our Way Through One of Life’s Toughest Challenges
Have you ever been caught in a maze? Winding around a corn field, in a themed haunted mansion, or at the house of mirrors on the boardwalk? Remember Harry Potter’s adventure inside a maze in his last tale, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban? We all know the feeling. Lost and wandering, not knowing which direction to turn, or where to go, thinking we’re home free, only to find a dead end and the need to return all the way to the beginning. So many hopeful paths explored often leading to only disappointing turn backs. Usually there’s a lot of backtracking before you find your way.
That’s what living with autism is like.
If I had a nickel for every time someone’s asked, "why does your son do that?" Maybe he’s screaming, flapping his hands, walking on his toes or throwing a tantrum like a two year old. He is six. Maybe you’ve asked him a question and he just looks away. Truth be told, I don’t know why he does these things. I have yet to find a doctor, therapist, teacher, or psychic for that matter who can tell me exactly what’s happened with my son Callum, how he got this way, and what on God’s green earth is the best thing to do about it. So, when I’m asked, "why does your son do that?" I often respond that I simply don’t know. That modern science hasn’t figured it out yet and I’m just a worried mother trying to love him and raise him the best way I can. Finding our way, lost in a maze.
Autism is a neurological disorder typically appearing in the first three years of life and primarily effects social interaction and communication skills. It is what’s known as a spectrum disorder which means it can be mild or quite severe in its manifestations.
A primary challenge of having a child with autism is that no one has the answers for you. No one can tell you what the best course of treatment is for your child. How to best help them reach their potential. Each child’s symptoms and needs can be so different. So we wander. We educate ourselves as best we can. Here, I must simply interject to all of you kind hearted souls who call the mom you know who has a child with autism when you see a snippet on TV, trust me, we’re on it! You learn more than you ever imagined about something you couldn’t possibly dream of touching your home and your family. Education encompasses so much in the world of autism; gluten & casein free diets, auditory processing, sensory integration, supplements, B12 shots, chelation of heavy metals, drugs galore if you are willing, therapies such as floortime, RDI, ABA, IEPs, IUs, Special Education and the list goes on and on and ends somewhere around swimming with dolphins and Zoloft!!!. These are the choices we’ve been making when the ones we should be making are little league baseball or spring soccer, bicycle or skateboard, Power Rangers or Batman?
So we work our way slowly through, always wishing for that bird’s eye view to the finish. So many agonizing twists and turns. Some have been helpful and some have been incredible wastes of energy, money, and most importantly, time that we don’t have to waste. I now fully acknowledge that a jerk can sell a desperate mother just about anything. There is no price tag on hope.
We are fortunate to have excellent professional advice. A phenomenal DAN (Defeat Autism Now) doctor, a therapeutic team leader who’s as vested in our son as we are, teachers who care, a wonderful supportive family, our sense of humor, and genuinely good hearted friends who call when they see that snippet on TV. We are grateful.
On good days, when Cal is talking, laughing, playing with his sisters, and had a great day at school, I think for a moment that just over the hedge, I might glimpse the way out. A spot of daylight is there, visible through a small opening. Normal, or officially known as "neurotypical", boys are there playing happily, waiting for Cal to join them. And then like Harry Potter’s infuriating maze, the way closes off and we step back again. On bad days, when he’s hit and bit and barked and screamed, I am lost, huddled on the ground in a corner weeping and wondering what will ever become of my son. Will we ever escape the cruel labyrinth of autism?
We stood at the daunting entrance three long years ago and still we fight every day to find our way. I’m a smart and reasonable woman and I realize we may never find the exit, but we’ve made progress. Hedges hurtled, obstacles crossed, demons exorcised, paths blazoned, we keep fighting forward, two steps ahead one step back. After years of hard work, primarily his, Cal is tremendously better than he was at the age of three. We still have far to go and there is no time to rest for the weary.
I gotta run, I think I spot some light just around the next corner…"C’mon Callum! Let’s keep going! That’s it baby… one more step."
Critical self judgment is an issue I am sure we can all relate to. Tuesday's Web chat will be about dealing with our harsh internal judge
Dear Dr. Dan,
I wish I could talk to you about some things that have been going on in my mind.
The question is simple, how can I be optimistic about everything that will come or will not come to my life?
And the second one is, how can I accept myself the way I am?
I just can't stop blaming myself, or mocking myself, and I know it's not right.
Thank you, and I wish you health and love.
Please reply, and take a good care of yourself :)
looking for answers
Dear looking,
maybe your question about optimism about the future and critical self judgment are really the same question. So let's start with your critical self judgment.
Right away we now that you are more kind to others than you are to yourself just because of your kind wishes at the end of your letter. Well, you are not alone. Almost everyone I know has a critical judge living somewhere inside their heads. Between you and me, if those critical judges magically went away, I would probably have to find another job!
So why are so many of us so critical of ourselves? By the way, have you noticed that those who are self-critical are the ones who tend to be more kind like you and those who are not self-critical often need to be more so?
this judgment thing starts off as a very healthy and important component of our psychological makeup. It's called our conscience and is designed to give us feedback when we break a rule or violate a social moiré. And the feedback we get is usually guilt. So when I am not completely honest with someone, I feel guilty. When I was younger and cheated on a test I felt guilty -- and scared of getting caught. So without a conscience, this would be a pretty scary world where everyone acted out their impulses.
Critical self judgment happens when our conscience has poor judgment! There are lots of theories about how this happens, but I think it's simply about anxiety. Anxiety almost always influences our judgment. So my vision of a healthy conscience is that of a gentle guide. But a critical judge is more like a nervous parent who is never happy with anything! So you are judge tells you that everything you do is not good enough and that if you are more generous, accomplished, better looking or just plain different, then you will be happy. Of course, it never works because that critical judge will never leave us alone. So what can be done?
Nothing!
Consider this, you suffer not because of the critical judge but you suffer because you take that judge seriously. Most of us do. We hear that harsh voice and respond almost as though it's the voice of God or some other type of powerful entity. It's not. It's just a nervous cranky parent. So instead of trying to please the judge (never gonna happen), or outsmart the judge (even less likely), let's first develop a healthier relationship with this poor nervous and to take that lives somewhere in our brain.
We've learned a great deal about changing our relationship to suffering from programs like Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction. Originally started in 1979 by Jon Kabat Zinn at the University of Massachusetts medical school, he developed a program for people in chronic pain. Instead of wrestling with their pain or bracing against it, he taught the participants helped to simply notice the pain. The pain still hurt, but the body/mind reacted differently to it. Same holds true for your relationship with your judge. When it happens, simply notice. And while you are doing that, you might also want to notice that the moment that judge is active, you are suffering and need compassion. Don't try to beat yourself up because you don't get this right, it takes years (sometimes decades) of practice. But you can begin by simply noticing.
And about that optimism question, nobody can be optimistic about everything that will happen in the future, but if you learn to be open to whatever comes whether it feels good or bad, you might be less afraid of what might be around the corner.
And one more thing. If you are able to train your brain to simply notice, you might find the answers you are looking for.
Adult Children and Gifts
Q: Glad to hear you will be addresssing questions from parents of adult children tomorrow. I look forward to it.
I'm 62 and single now. My son is 25 and my and three step-daughters are in their 20's.
I think part of my problem is that I hated the Family Requirements my parents imposed on me, and I went to the other extreme when I was a parent. I still don't want my kids to feel obligated or guilty about anything, so when holidays come there may or may not be time together or presents from them. This does hurt at my birthday and Mother's Day.
I can see that I could open a dialogue with them about what we want to create together as adults.
Devon, PA
Of course opened, honest dialogue is good no matter who we are talking with. Our children want to know our truth no matter what age they are. They want to know our dreams and fears, what makes us happy and what hurts us. And they want us to know that about them. Most of us devote a great deal of energy protecting them from our "real feelings". And we wind up protecting them from intimacy and honesty. Look forward to " seeing " you tomorrow! On the web chat tomorrow
Dealing with adult children.
How we can deal with our adult children and how can they deal with us? We'll explore this topic during our chat at noon Tuesday. We will be joined by psychologist and family therapist Dr. Janet Berson.
Is it coincidence that Easter Sunday, Passover, and springtime all come at the same time of the year? I'm guessing no. For the same reason it's no coincidence that all of them represent the same thing -- birth, rebirth, freedom from what has enslaved us. And speaking of freedom from whatever has enslaved us, I once read that only a small percentage of Jews followed Moses out of Egypt. In a way I can understand that. After all, here's a guy with a speech impediment saying that he is talking to God and not to worry, everybody would be okay. That will cause you to pause for a minute before making a decision. But the end result was a majority stayed back. And that is really not a surprise. The majority chose to settle for the enslavement of their lives knowing that it was at least predictable and that tomorrow would look pretty much the same as today. Those who talk the leap of faith, had no vision of their future just faith that it would be better one day.
I see exactly the same thing in my office every day. People suffer today based on what has happened in their childhoods, their marriages, the work place or their children's behavior. And the causes range from life-threatening illness to a rejected college application. But all of these sufferings have something in common and that is the stories we tell ourselves about what these things mean. And generally the stories are global and hopeless. More often than not, we suffer because of our stories. Mark Twain once said that he lived through a thousand tragedies in his life "and some of them actually happened"!
Those stories are hard to let go of. Because when we tell our stories over and over we reinforce our own truth. Our stories help us understand why we feel the way we do. Our stories give us some predictability in life just like the Jews in Egypt who chose slavery.
Our stories are just that. Stories. Our lives are our lives. A Sufi once said: "to experience is to live, to explain is to lie." So now that I've touched on Judaism, Christianity and Sufism, it might be time to wind up. So here's what I wish for all of us:
to experience more, to explain less, to tolerate our own confusion and to notice how each day in nature is a little different in the past giving birth to new possibilities that can only happen when we stop telling our stories and experience our lives.
Q&A with Dan Gottlieb
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