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Dear Doctor Dan,
I am a faithful reader of all things Gottlieb, so I am hoping you could advise me about some distressing issues in my life.
How can I go about helping my daughter find a therapist for my grandchildren who are ages eight and five? Their parents recently divorced and the older child is having real problems with sleeping overnight at his dad's house. He says he is ok with spending time with daddy but does not want to stay away from home. He has no trouble sleeping overnight at my house but has done that since birth quite a lot.
My daughter says that her ex tells her that the child "has to learn to cope" and that is what they have been doing. I think it will take a matter of time and will resolve itself, but I also think they could use some counseling to deal with this issue and other divorce related things.
Can you guide me so that I may guide her in steps to find a compatible counselor
Thank you
concerned grandmother
dear concerned,
Your letter brings up several issues, so let's talk first about what needs to be done and then we can talk about what you can and cannot do to help make it happen.
Although divorce harms all children, according to the American Association for marriage and family therapy, only 25% of children of divorce have serious long-term emotional difficulties. Although this is a very high percentage, keep in mind there is a good chance your grandchildren will be okay without intervention.
But there are many things parents can do to help mitigate the effects of divorce. The first and most important issue is safety. All children need safety in the wake of this upheaval, but especially young children. And children find safety in consistency and predictability. Much as possible, schedules should remain the same week in and week out, especially in the months following a divorce.
Most children of divorce feel that the bottom has just dropped out of their lives and that everything they knew to be true is no longer true. So your grandchildren need to be reassured with words and actions that they are loved by both parents and both will take good care of them. So both parents must be very careful not to cancel plans and to show respect to one another in front of the children.
I often tell divorced parents that they must love their children more than they hate each other. Therefore they must develop a workable plan that gives children easy access to both parents. And of course, no parent should never ever speak angrily about their child's other parent. At best, it sets up a loyalty conflict for the children. And worst, children feel they have lost both parents.
Believe it or not, I would not recommend counseling unless they are showing signs of distress. Signs to look for include
· acting younger than their chronological ag
· moodiness
· sleep difficulties
· acting out in ways they hadn't before
· problems with friends or school
· irrational fears and compulsive behavior.
Many children of divorce will show some of these symptoms in the short run, but if they persist, it's time to seek help. But I wouldn't automatically seek counseling and here's why: children of divorce already feel pretty alone and wonder if there is something wrong with them which may have broken up the family. If they are "sent" to therapy, the process itself could reinforce that belief. I believe that if younger children of divorce need therapy, it should be family therapy unless there is a compelling reason not to.
Finding a therapist? Make sure the therapist is trained in marital and family therapy. But even so, not all family therapists are trained in working with small children, so you need both. You should be able to find one in your community through the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy. Alternatively you could look up your State Psychological Association or National Association of Social Workers. But please make sure whatever therapist you find is trained in both divorce and working with young children.
So now we come to you and what you can do. First, divorce is a trauma not just for parents and children, but for grandparents also. Just like your grandchildren, you may have gone through these years thinking that your children and grandchildren were safe and secure. And now this. I have spoken with so many grandparents of divorce children whose hearts are broken by what's happening to their children and grandchildren. It feels the stakes are so high and you feel so powerless.
I will assume you have a good relationship with your daughter, but it's also important that you maintain at least a respectful relationship with your son-in-law and avoid criticism or blame. If your daughter wants to do so, listen to her with compassion and empathy, but please try not to reinforce her resentment or help her feel like a victim. As I am sure you know, if you were to get in the middle, the outcome is never good. I've talked before on these pages about how and when to offer advice to our adult children, when it's respectful and when it is intrusive. And I have said that within very broad limits, we have to respect the resilience and problem solving skills of our adult children. But when grandchildren are involved, it gets more complicated.
Feel free to tell her about your concerns, but please don't push as your daughter feels vulnerable enough. Offer to be an additional resource for your daughter, grandsons and even your son-in-law. If you are able, spend extra time with the children it might help everyone out. And perhaps you could even include the other set of grandparents in some of the social activities. It would certainly make the children feel better.I hope this helps and I wish everyone healing.
Can you provide me some resources for opiate addiction treatment (percocet) for someone who is currently unemployed and does not have insurance? I have heard great things about Suboxone, but unfortunately the Dr. visit as well as the prescription cost is just too much right now. I have tried matching a Dr. with the "needy meds" program, but no luck so far. I have also applied for Adult Basic, but there is a 2yr waiting list for that program. Any info you could provide would be greatly appreciated.
Philly, PA
Sadly, there is not enough treatment available for those who need it in this city or nationally. If you are in Philadelphia, I recommend you contact Roland Lamb at the Philadelphia coordinating office of drug abuse treatment, under the Department of health. I don't know if they have any easy answers, but they are a good resource.
I have received several criticisms from colleagues about my position on describing depression as a brain disorder that is biologically based. This is a controversy all area and a political one. Many in the mental health profession feel that to medicalize depression is to play into the hands of the pharmaceutical industry. I think there is great merit to my colleagues points and I accept their criticism that my focus on depression may be too narrow. Maybe. So I'll publish excerpts of their letters and then my response at the end.
Dear Dan,
It seems that every time I read your column lately, you re making the case for depression as a biological illness like diabetes hat requires medication. I certainly agree that medication can be helpful for some people with "deep depression" you referred to recently. However, as you know, many people in our field feel that medication is being vastly over-prescribed. (Dr Joseph Glenmullen at Harvard says in his book that 75% of prescriptions for Prozac are unneccessary.) Young people are being taught that the answer to life's problems is found in pills--long before they have the chance to develop coping skills that would serve them far better and without side effects.
The point you made that distressed me most was that "depression is caused by a chemical imbalance." However, no such imbalance has been found for depression. Some depressives have low levels of serotonin, but others have normal or high levels. The drug companies themselves admit
that their anti-depressants offer results just mariginally better than placebos.
It's possible that you and I will never see this situation quite the same way. I've seen so many patients who come in severely depressed but who decide to use psychotherapy alone to get well.
Here's my point and my plea: Pharmaceutical companies have vast sums with which to deliver their message to the public, and they do so round the clock, reaching many millions daily. The other side of the debate gets zero air time. How can the public be expected to weigh the evidence?
Can I respectfully suggest that you read someone from the other side : eg Dr David Healy ("Let Them Eat Prozac") or Glenmullen ("Prozac Backlash")
Deborah Anna Luepnitz, Ph.D
Dear Dr. Gottlieb,
A couple of months ago, and again recently you indicated that depression is due to a biochemical imbalance for which medication must be taken. While I am not against the use of medication under certain circumstances, I wish to raise a question about the biochemical imbalance idea. It is often invoked these days as an explanation for depression as well as for other emotional problems, as if it were an already proven certainty. Yet we both know that there is another side to the story, an equally legitimate point of view that rarely finds its way into the public purview. The pharmaceutical industry has spent a considerable amount of time, effort, and money promoting its wares, as it should. It must show profits and it must answer to its shareholders. So we would expect that they will present a polished portrayal of their products. However, as clinicians, we must be careful not to solely rely on them for all of our information--much of which they derive from research which they themselves have funded-- regarding the efficacy and safety of those very same products. This is not a novel perspective. It is a point that has been made by Angell, Editor of the New England Journal of Medicine, as well as others
Right now the public, as well as some professionals in the field, believe that there is only one option when faced with emotional problems, that of medication.
Respectfully,
Burton N. Seitler, Ph.D.
Both of my colleagues make very important points. And I agree that medication is overprescribed and that, as our culture, we are too ready to look for pills to solve our problems. And, of course, much of this is fed by the pharmaceutical industry. So I agree with all of the exploits.
And I did mention in my last web chat that both medication and psychotherapy individually get comparable results, but both together get even better results.
However, I disagree about depression not being based in genetics and brain chemistry. I am quite comfortable with the research about that. And to view depression as a brain disorder goes a long way towards taking much of the shame and stigma out of the diagnosis. Unfortunately, both still exist as many see depression as a character weakness or a failure, but I find that once I explain to an individual or a family the biology of depression, shame dissipates and people are more likely to seek treatment -- both medication and psychotherapy.
Now that we know more about the brain and genetics, more people are seeing it for what it is -- something that originates in biology and can be made better or worse depending on what happens in one's environment. Just like there is plenty of evidence about the biological basis of depression, we now know through various scans that things like meditation, prayer, psychotherapy also change brain structure and function.
I appreciate your criticism, it helps people learn more .
For those who have never experienced clinical depression, it can be hard to understand. For most people, it is just a depressed mood, something most of us get over in a brief period. With a bad mood, most people can function with a pretty clear mind. It can be painful, but no big deal.
But for about 20 percent of us who have or will experience clinical depression, it's a very big deal. Clinical depression affects the way we think and the way we experience ourselves in the world. It affects relationships and our ability to accurately interpret information.
A young woman I treated years ago said that she felt like a diamond inside a malignant tumor and didn't know if she would live or die.
A recent colleague said he felt as if his brain were oatmeal and that he couldn't think properly.
When I suffered clinical depression, I felt like a frightened, confused child pretending to be a psychologist. And feeling like a sham made the anxiety, depression and shame so much worse.
Steve Newman had his first episode of depression when he was in seventh grade. A good student, he had a precipitous drop in grades and felt lost for much of his youth. Although his IQ was measured in the top 10 percent nationally, he graduated high school in the bottom five percent of his class.
When I spoke with him, he said his poor transcripts reflected the efforts of someone who didn't expect to live more than a few more years. Somehow, his father got him into a local college which is where he first heard the word "depression."
He said his depression felt like climbing a mountain when a storm hits. Any thoughts of going upward were beaten down by cold rain and wind. Going down was also impossible because of the same elements. He said his goal in life was just hanging on.
A colleague once told me that depression is experienced from the outside in, that people on the outside can see it before the depressed person knows it.
Such was the case with Steve. That was true for me too.
Mine started several years after I became a quadriplegic as I felt my wife pulling away. My mind began to race and I worried all the time. I felt increasingly insecure and said almost nothing in meetings, fearful that what was occurring inside would become visible on the outside.
But I didn't even know I was depressed until one of my nurses told me that I looked as if I had the weight of the world on my shoulders. Once I realized that what was going on inside my head was visible on the outside, I knew I was depressed and sought treatment.
Depression can affect a litany of things from sleeping and eating patterns to concentration and memory. It can induce guilt and a feeling of worthlessness.
And although only a small minority of those with depression attempt suicide, it's not unusual to think about wanting to die. I recall thinking that life was just too difficult and painful to go on. I didn't want to die, but my suffering was unbearable.
There are many types of depression. The causes, too, are varied, but most have a genetic link. I had a mild predisposition as there was dysthymia, a low grade form of depression, in my family. Steve had bipolar disorder in his family.
Most people with depression get better with treatment. And gold standard care for depression is a combination of medication and psychotherapy.
Prognosis is tied directly to the duration and frequency of episodes. That's because depression has a powerful negative effect on the brain and the longer it lasts, the more likely one is to have a second episode. And once that happens, patients are at far higher risk for even more episodes.
My depression diminished significantly with medication and psychotherapy. And when I see the first sign of depression, I'm on the telephone with my psychopharmacologist.
Steve has not been so lucky. He has what is called a drug resistant depression and although he has tried almost all medication and several kinds of psychotherapy, he still suffered.
In 2005 he heard about the Transcranial-Magnetic Stimulation program run by John P. O'Reardon at the University of Pennsylvania. This program has recently been approved by the FDA and uses magnets strategically placed near one's scalp to diminish depressive symptoms.
It's another promising treatment for an illness we're all still struggling to understand.
I've been interested in resilience since I became a quadriplegic 30 years ago. When I went through rehab, many of us were depressed, but some went home and vegetated while others did whatever it took to reclaim their lives. I've long wondered about the difference between those who survive adversity, and even thrive, and those who don't.
I know one thing. It's not about strength or weakness. Frankly, I hate that measure as it implies that those who do well have a better character than those who don't. Not true.
Here's what is true. Resilience is partly about luck. In my case, I had a career to return to, a family and the kind of health insurance that afforded me the luxury of not worrying about paying for my equipment. Professor Ann Masten at the University of Minnesota found that children's success in several developmental tasks was related to resources they had in childhood — intelligence, parenting quality and socioeconomic status.
Now we know that overinvolved parenting contributes to making children less resilient. But that is only a small part of the story of resilience.
There is a far more important factor. Almost all studies of resilience have addressed the value of good relationships with caring adults either in the family or outside of it. This could happen through teachers, mentoring programs, religious groups or distant relatives but it is these relationships that are critical in fostering resilience.
Eighteen-year-old Dana Young was just 13 when her family was evicted from their apartment because her mother had been using drugs and couldn't pay the rent. Placed in a shelter in their old neighborhood, Dana felt humiliated after being teased relentlessly by her old friends.
She and her older brother Devlin helped one other endure these difficult times. Eventually her family became involved with Episcopal charities where Dana found her voice through poetry and music.
With the help of people who believed in her and her faith, she now plans to attend Shippensburg University next year and hopes to become a writer.
Having support in your life fosters resilience regardless of how old you are.
Linda Noble Topf was in her 30s and at the height of her career in 1981 when she was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. She thought her life as a community leader and artist was over.
Although she had support at first, she ignored it and got lost in dark ideas about her future, turning to drugs and alcohol. Like most who have endured great suffering, she felt alone, unloved, unlovable and a burden to her family.
One night her husband Michael, exasperated, issued an ultimatum: "Choose your life or I am leaving." And, like so many others when given the choice, she chose life. And when she did, she found herself surrounded by people who cared about her.
Today, despite the progression of her illness, she runs workshops, coaches, consults with the MS Society and publishes many articles about living with adversity.
Andrea Collins Smith has been the subject of both this column and my radio show. In her 30s when she was diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer, she never lost her joy for life. She attributed her happiness to the love of her children and friends and her faith that she would be ok whether or not she survived this illness.
I spoke to her in April 2008 when friends took her and her children to the beach in Ocean City. She said that was the best day of her life.
Two months later, she died. Her ability to love until her last days was aided by people who cared for her and allowed her to care for them.
For many reasons, more of us are living with fewer intimate friends. And, with the help of technology, the younger generation believes relationships can be done through text messaging.
We might function well that way, but in the face of adversity, we need the loving care of our fellow humans. Years ago in these pages, I wrote about a visit to the majestic Redwoods in California with a friend who was a nature buff. She told me that such large trees had very shallow root systems. I wondered how these massive structures found their stability without deep roots.
"Redwoods grow in clusters," she explained "and their roots interlock. That's how they get their strength."

