Dear Dr. Dan Gottlieb,A few months ago I heard part of your show on the topic of caring and sympathetic doctors.  The part of the show I heard was unanimous that doctors should feel the pain of their patients. I can agree with that. A few years ago I walked out of the office of a doctor who was not very caring.  Doctors, funeral home directors, police officers, firemen, clergy, teachers, etc. and really all of us in helping professions can be more sympathetic. At the same time anyone who has a career in helping people, especially in their crisis times, has to be able to put away from the pain of others or that professional will not be able to survive emotionally for very long.  I am a pastor, and in one day I presided at the wedding of two very special people and two hours later I presided at the funeral of a beloved person. In the morning I felt joy with one family and in the afternoon I felt grief with another family. In the evening I had to disengage from both of those families and focus on my own family. To carry home the emotions, especially the grief, of earlier in the day would not be fair to my family.   Now speaking as an individual, I do have my special, unique pains that I feel and live through and I can’t expect every person to feel the pain to the same intensity that I do. I don’t want others to pretend.  

Dear Pastor,
thank you for writing this letter as I am going to deal with this subject in my column next week.  Many caregivers suffer with what is called compassion fatigue because those of us who care deeply often have difficulty establishing appropriate boundaries.I will later which will be the subject of my column

Dear Dr. Gottlieb:

What is wrong with me?  I really and truly understand that Mr. Vick had a horrible childhood.  A cruel childhood that led to unimaginable violence, dog fighting and G-d know what else.  I also understand the concept of paying ones debt to society and having a second chance.  But, after reading and trying to understand your column today-I still do not understand how he could kill a dog that did not win a fight in such a cruel and terrible way.  Couldn't he shoot the dog?  No!  He had to wet the dog and electrocute him.  Doesn't that say more about his heart than about his childhood?  What is wrong with me that I find his behavior more than just violent?  To me the man is innately evil.

I read about serial killers, arsonists, etc.  They invariably have been cruel to animals before they started their careers in violence toward humanity.  They are usually abused and cruelly treated themselves.  But, regardless of the reasons, they are evil.  Aren't they?

OK, lets forgive Mr. Vick.  Lets give him another chance to play ball, to talk to kids about violence and to try to help animals.   But, I would not leave him alone with those kids or with animals for any length of time.  Would you?  Or, is it just me?  Do I just not get it?

Brenda

Forgiveness is letting go of resentment, it's just that simple and that difficult.  Forgiveness has nothing to do with the other person, it has to do with the toxic anger we carry inside.  One could argue that they have good reason to hate, but it is the hatred itself that causes suffering.  What this man did was horrific and like I said, he might not be capable of change.  But the longer one carries their anger at him, the longer they suffer.  He does not

One of my least favorite sports clichés, and there are many, is "there is no I in team."  As I think about it, there is also no U in team.  So if there is no I and there is no U, maybe the whole team thing is an illusion.

So that got me thinking about identity.  Not only is there an I in identity, there is no U. now of course identity is only about the self, but maybe that's an illusion also.  I was thinking about that on a recent meditation retreat when I was supposed to be thinking about other things, but that's the way minds work, they never do what you want them to do, the little rascals.

But maybe all our identities really are an illusion.  Or, at the very least, not completely true.  We tell ourselves who we are : the good girl, the workaholic, the martyr, the caregiver, or even the blogger.  One woman told me when we first met socially that she is and anxious person.  Well, she might have more anxiety and she wants, and it might be so uncomfortable that it is sometimes disabling, but is she and anxious person?  No more so than I am a quadriplegic or a blogger or even a nice guy.  All of the labels we give ourselves still don't add up to who we are.  And all of those labels are connected only to the way we see experience ourselves intermittently.  And then to make matters more complicated, those minds of ours create stories about why we are the people we think we are: neglectful parents, childhood trauma, illness of a loved one, recent breakup, spiritual calling or just plain unlucky.  So we have our identity, our explanations and we are ready for life.  Maybe. 

What if what we tell ourselves is only a shadow of the truth.  Then maybe identity is a kind of illusion.

I had dinner with a friend of mine the other night and she was telling me a story about a woman she works with whose husband suddenly left her. "Out of the nowhere", the friend said. And of course these things are very rarely out of nowhere, but they often feel that way. But while my friend was going on with the story, half of my brain was musing over that phrase. Out of nowhere was what happened to me 30 years ago when a tire crushed my car. Out of nowhere is what happens when we find a lump or hear any tragic news. So in the middle of her story, I blurt out "I hate that place". Of course she is well into the story and has no idea what I'm talking about. So when she asks what place I am referring to I said "that nowhere place where things just seem to happen."

Okay so now she's giving me a strange look that I often get when I blurt things like that out, but she is a nice person so she invited me to develop my thought.

And then I realized that "out of nowhere" is where all things happen, good and bad. It's not just about tumors and divorces. Out of nowhere is where we fall in love. But the truth is we all live right there where none of us have any idea about what's coming around the corner. We tell ourselves we do and that tomorrow will look pretty much like yesterday and we find some comfort in that. But that's an illusion.

And my final thought on the topic was when I realized that nowhere place was really everywhere.

At that point she just sighed and wondered what it was like living inside my mind. I told her I keep having these thoughts that seem to come out of nowhere

I know Dr. Dan is supposed to be compassionate and understanding. And he is not supposed to be reactive without feeling empathy for both sides of the conflict. But today Dr. Dan is taking the day off and his angry, reactive alter ego will be making today's entry.

A friend of mine told me that he and his 10-year-old son were taking a walk in the woods the other day when they found a hunting arrow in a tree. The boy thought this was pretty cool (as most any boy would) and brought it to school the next day to show his friends. And then this little boy with a very cool arrow became a big problem. He and his very cool arrow trigger all sorts of events about deadly weapons and regulations and questions about suspensions or other major consequences. I've heard stories of some schools filing charges against small children. But this boy came home crying and was afraid to face his parents feeling he had done something horrible.

That reaction is not unusual. Children who live in abusive families usually think that their family is normal and there is something wrong with them.

So how we help a small child understand that he is normal and the school that houses him all day is out of control with their anxiety?

Okay, I get what's happening with the schools. Everybody is scared of mass murderers and lawsuits. I get that. So we make rules to protect ourselves from our anxiety. Many rules, rigid rules -- like "zero tolerance" (for kids who have difficulty with impulse control and have zero tolerance for their emotions) and suspending small children for bringing in stuff that is being called a weapon. By the way, when I was in fourth grade Bruce Greenfield stabbed me in the leg with a pencil. When I told the teacher, all Bruce got was a dirty look. Bruce went on to become superintendent of schools and pencils maintained their place of respect in the education system. If that happened today, both Bruce and pencils would have been suspended.

So to the educators who do stuff like this, I am supposed to be understanding of your position. But that's for later. For now, it's you who has to be understanding. You harm children with these silly policies. I don't know if this 10-year-old boy will carry this trauma for the rest of his life, but he might. I wouldn't want to be in his position if I was 10, and neither would you.

I'm sure tomorrow I will be compassionate again, but today I am mad.