Q: Our first child, Allison was born at 38 weeks and died within days. We have 3 children now, 9, 6 and 4 years old and have never discussed their sister Allison with them. I feel torn as to tell them about their sister or to shield them from such a sad experience. Even after 10 years our loss is still difficult to talk about without crying. Thank you for any thoughts you can offer.
Conshohocken, PA

dear Brigitte,

I am so sorry for your loss and how painful that ache in your heart must be.    

First, bear in mind that your grief has probably already been felt by your children as they are quite skilled at sentencing the emotions of their parents.  But this is not necessarily a problem as children are rarely upset by their parents’ sadness or even tears.  What has the potential to harm children is when parents swallow their feelings and they come out sideways like over protectiveness toward creating a terribly busy life to avoid the sadness.  So with that as the background.

 Begin any discussion about death with children by asking questions about your child's understanding of what it means to them.  Almost all young children have some experience with death even if it is only seeing a  dead bird or hearing about a friend's grandparents.  If you ask them if they have any questions of you, you will get a sense of how ready they might be. Now you can give them the information they are ready for.

Of course, what information you give them depends on their age and your own emotions and beliefs.  I doubt that you would do this, but you don't want to overload children with your emotions.  So it's okay to show sadness and even talk about it.  But it's not okay to ask children to behave in a certain way so that you can feel better.  That gives them too much power and too much burden.

Whenever you have this discussion, answer all of their questions honestly. And, in keeping with being honest, please don't pretend to have all the answers.  Keep your answers brief and simple.  And most of all, don't let your own anxiety interfere with your ability to listen to their questions and their emotions.