Critical self judgment is an issue I am sure we can all relate to. Tuesday's Web chat will be about dealing with our harsh internal judge

Dear Dr. Dan,
 
I wish I could talk to you about some things that have been going on in my mind.
The question is simple, how can I be optimistic about everything that will come or will not come to my life?
And the second one is, how can I accept myself the way I am?
I just can't stop blaming myself, or mocking myself, and I know it's not right.
 
Thank you, and I wish you health and love.
Please reply, and take a good care of yourself :)

looking for answers

Dear looking,

maybe your question about optimism about the future and critical self judgment are really the same question. So let's start with your critical self judgment.

Right away we now that you are more kind to others than you are to yourself just because of your kind wishes at the end of your letter. Well, you are not alone. Almost everyone I know has a critical judge living somewhere inside their heads. Between you and me, if those critical judges magically went away, I would probably have to find another job!

So why are so many of us so critical of ourselves? By the way, have you noticed that those who are self-critical are the ones who tend to be more kind like you and those who are not self-critical often need to be more so?

this judgment thing starts off as a very healthy and important component of our psychological makeup. It's called our conscience and is designed to give us feedback when we break a rule or violate a social moiré. And the feedback we get is usually guilt. So when I am not completely honest with someone, I feel guilty. When I was younger and cheated on a test I felt guilty -- and scared of getting caught. So without a conscience, this would be a pretty scary world where everyone acted out their impulses.

Critical self judgment happens when our conscience has poor judgment! There are lots of theories about how this happens, but I think it's simply about anxiety. Anxiety almost always influences our judgment. So my vision of a healthy conscience is that of a gentle guide. But a critical judge is more like a nervous parent who is never happy with anything! So you are judge tells you that everything you do is not good enough and that if you are more generous, accomplished, better looking or just plain different, then you will be happy. Of course, it never works because that critical judge will never leave us alone. So what can be done?

Nothing!

Consider this, you suffer not because of the critical judge but you suffer because you take that judge seriously. Most of us do. We hear that harsh voice and respond almost as though it's the voice of God or some other type of powerful entity. It's not. It's just a nervous cranky parent. So instead of trying to please the judge (never gonna happen), or outsmart the judge (even less likely), let's first develop a healthier relationship with this poor nervous and to take that lives somewhere in our brain.

We've learned a great deal about changing our relationship to suffering from programs like Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction. Originally started in 1979 by Jon Kabat Zinn at the University of Massachusetts medical school, he developed a program for people in chronic pain. Instead of wrestling with their pain or bracing against it, he taught the participants helped to simply notice the pain. The pain still hurt, but the body/mind reacted differently to it. Same holds true for your relationship with your judge. When it happens, simply notice. And while you are doing that, you might also want to notice that the moment that judge is active, you are suffering and need compassion. Don't try to beat yourself up because you don't get this right, it takes years (sometimes decades) of practice. But you can begin by simply noticing.

And about that optimism question, nobody can be optimistic about everything that will happen in the future, but if you learn to be open to whatever comes whether it feels good or bad, you might be less afraid of what might be around the corner.

And one more thing. If you are able to train your brain to simply notice, you might find the answers you are looking for.