If Selig Ran the NFL
Whatever Roger Goodell's faults, football is run by a man who can explain himsefl coherently, in complete sentences.
If Selig Ran the NFL
Les Bowen, Daily News Staff Writer
Thanks for joining this special time-travel edition of Eagletarian. We're sitting in Raymond James Stadium in Tampa the evening of Feb. 1, 2009, watching Super Bowl XLIII unfold, between the AFC Champion Tennessee Titans and the NFC Champion New York Giants, the game that also has come to be known as the Kerry Collins Classic. Or we were watching it, anyway. The game was suspended with 1:57 remaining in the third quarter, after a large sinkhole opened around the 20-yard line, on the end closest to Dale Mabry Highway.
NFL commissioner Bud Selig is attempting to answer questions from reporters, his hand cupped to his ear and an 
expression of pained puzzlement on his face. Wait a minute ... now we're being told that Selig's expression has nothing to do with the situation, that he in fact has looked this way ever since the senior citizens' early bird special buffet at a nearby eatery ran out of rice pudding just as he completed his main course in late-afternoon.
At any rate, reporters are angry, since the first cracks in the earth appeared before the National Anthem was sung, but the NFL ignored the widening fissure and chose to kick off, though one section of grandstand collapsed and dozens of fans were injured.
Finally, matters came to a head after the Giants tied the game, 13-13, on a 67-yard touchdown pass from Eli Manning to Plaxico Burress. Burress leapt over the sinkhole, executing a triple somersault in midair, but Titans corner Nick Harper, backpedaling, didn't see it in time and fell in, freeing Burress for the easy TD. As Burress casually strolled into the end zone, Fox analyst Tim McCarver ignored the earth swallowing the defender and fretted about whether the fissure had unfairly dampened Burress' speed, as it had threatened to do to B.J. Upton before he scored the tying run in Game 5 of the World Series a few months earlier.
Selig suspended the Super Bowl as soon as the Giants kicked the extra point, explaining that at that exact moment, the situation had become untenable. Reporters demanded to know why it was less tenable then than 10 minutes earlier, when several players on both sides had to be treated on the sidelines after being burned by discharges of super-heated steam and sulphur. Selig shrugged and mumbled something about what a jim-dandy fellow the stadium grounds crew chief was, and how his office analyzed geological data befoere the game that indicated the fissure might not widen past three or four feet until after midnight Then, appearing disoriented, the commissioner demanded reporters "get off my lawn" and that they "remember the Maine."
Selig seems to have no idea when the game might resume. It won't be tonight, he said, even if the sinkhole is filled quickly, because it is already "way past my bedtime" and the network has begun showing "Everybody Loves Raymond" reruns. Selig said he was not inclined to continue the game tomorrow, because he has invited friends over to celebrate his DVD acquisition of the entire series run of "Matlock," followed by a rousing game of whist.
Stay tuned for further developments.
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I'm embarrassed by the Phillies fans reaction to the suspension of the game. Get over it! We weren't hosed and a suspension of the game is the only way to get a fair outcome.— jeffreyg61- Comment removed.
- jeff, get over yourself— MFPhils
- perfect— cw610760
- As much as I hate the Philly fan love of being the ahole (I am die hard by the way). I have to disagree with jefferyg61. They were hosed. My friend with an iPhone could see the storm approaching and that it wasn't going to end anytime soon. Now the Rays get to miss a Hamels that was crusing so being ticked is understandable. I'm trying to look at it as a true Philly experience...should they win...what a hard way to get it done.— cl8888xx
- What if Selig were President? Oh yeah Bush is President - same thing.— GANick
- Jeffrey sorry to say this but take your embarrassment and shove it. That was a disgrace last night. The game should not have been played. They stopped the game, literally, the minute they tied the score. I would like to know what you think would have happened if they DIDN'T tie the score. I and the rest of the fans here know: PLAY ON.— Bob1
- Embarrasment? Selig said he met with the umpires, both managers and managmenet from both teams. Before the game, he was told it was one tenth of an inch of rain until 1230am. Now at this point, should he cancel the game? Nobody in the meeting wanted it cancelled. It would be more of a joke if he cancelled it and it didnt rain. Face it, Phils fans are just whining because they are mad they lost the lead. And how they lost the lead, the weather did not affect it. How in the world does Tampa get a stolen base when the infield is a swamp?— 93phils
- The Phillies were cheated! God hates us! WAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH— RKTJ
- because jimmy rollins had to field a batted ball in that swamp. i'd say running through a swamp is much easier than doing anything else baseball related.— mikeb
- Jeffrey and Dierte are way off! We should be complaining, be sarcastic, whatever.....the way that game played out was just wrong. It either should not have be played to begin with knowing the forcast, started an hr or two hrs early (not going to happen with Fox TV ratings, or ended game earlier.— #1WRneeded
- The groundball would have been a tough play even in perfect conditions... up the middle... fast runner... this shows what happens when you put the ball in the ground... instead of popping up everything like the Phils did. The Rays had no problem catching pop ups— 93phils
- Look, as an umpire, you are always told not to start an inning if you don't expect to be able to finish it. The sixth inning should not have been started. Probably should have called it in the fifth. Don't know what weather Selig was watching, but most had this storm coming with heavier rain in about the middle of the game at least. Also, the line stretched to below S. Carolina and moving slow. No way that game was going to get finished. If an umpre can't call a routine infoeld fly because he's afraid of the wind and rain, how can they allow the game to continue? Selig is an idiot, who will be remembered as the man who cancelled a World Series, called an All-Star game a tie, then suspended a series game only after the losing team caught up. What if either pitcher slipped off the mound and blew a knee. What would hair boy say then?— mike l
- Why not have a rule that all World Series Games (or playoff games) must be played out to completion. That any game that has to be stopped would be a suspended game. The umps, the commish, etc...would have had no problem then playing the game and, if need be, calling it when the rain started? Does this just make too much sense? What if Kazmir or Hamels had caught a cleat in that mud? Also, did anyone see Feliz on that Rollins fly ball? That wind must have really knocked that ball down, Feliz was headed out to left field for it. And, even being a die hard fan, there is no way I would have wanted the Phils to win the series on a rain shortened game. I think the adjustment to the rules that I mentioned would take care of that.— Master Dreamz
- Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz,, "what if computers fell out of the sky" lame stuff Les...— osi is hurt boohoo
- They got a stolen base with the catcher afraid to try to throw him out. Duuhhh...— Warhound
- The Phillies should hand out tissues with every ticket from now on.— tbone pickins
