Horrific crime reported in Swarthmore


I love Swarthmore. Strike that. I love the press releases that the borough's police department send me. Now, I get a lot of press releases. These are among my favorite.

Today's press release from Swarthmore PD is a nice reminder that this cozy nook of Delaware County is not Philadelphiawhere you might walk into the police station with your face on fire and get turned away. Also, the shootings in Swarthmore are not real.

According to Swarthmore cops, some guy parked his car in his driveway on Ogden Avenue and left it unlocked, like a whole lot of people still insist on doing. He later discovered that the car had been "ransacked," police said.

"Taken were approximately $2 in change and a candy bar. The vehicle was unlocked at the time. No damage was reported," reads the report, in that lean, mean prose that defines the Swarthmore Police Department's writing style.

A candy bar? Two dollars? Oh, I think we have a suspect: