Granny squirts 9-year-old for eating bacon, police say

I'm sure there's a great headline in here somewhere, but it's just not coming to me. Suggestions?

Police in Clifton Heights have charged Marilee Ann Kolynych, 63, with assault and related offenses for allegedly sitting on her 9-year-old grandson and spraying him in the face at close range with a hose set on "full force" ... for eating too much bacon.

From today's Delaware County Daily Times:

"One witness stated that Mrs. Kolynych had chased her 9-year-old grandson through the yard," Press said. "She threw him to the ground and was sitting on top of him, pinning him down and beating him on his legs. She was spraying water at very close range into (the child's) face. The nozzle setting of the hose was on full force."

 During the alleged assault on the lawn, the child was yelling for help, screaming, kicking and squirming in attempts to get away, officials said.

 "He was able to break free and ran across the street, using a neighbor's phone to call his mother," Press wrote in the affidavit.

According to Press, the child's mother was able to separate the two, with Kolynych allegedly giving chase again after the boy.

 "Apparently, he ate more bacon than anyone else at breakfast," Press said. "She was yelling at him and picking on him all day because there wasn't enough bacon for everyone."

Quite a scene, I must say. There's a special place in my heart for Clifton. We do not condone front-yard waterboarding though.