Four Loko inspires lovestruck teen

Schumer Loko
Senator Schumer does not drink Four Loko

Got a press release last night from Ridley Park police. A 14-year-old Secane kid was arrested after he allegedly threw rocks at windows of the Ridley Park Firehouse last weekend "in an attempt to get his girlfriend to come out of a dance being held at the firehouse."

I was about to delete the e-mail, which sounded like the opening scene of a bad coming-of-age flick from the mid-1980's (was she dancing with a 21st-century Ren McCormack? I don't know), until I read this bombshell: The lovestruck teenager told the arresting officer he was drinking ... Four Loko.

You mean this Four Loko? The Four Loko that is tearing apart the fabric of our society with its diabolical combination of caffeine, taurine, guarana and rotgut malt liquor? 

This is the final straw. Clearly, this stuff needs to be banned immediately. Just look at what it made this kid do. If this was the pre-Four Loko era, when teens did keg stands of Natty Light in the woods, I'm sure this otherwise upstanding young man would have politely knocked on the firehouse door and inquired about his girlfriend.

Update: This is what happens when you try to ban something. Also, isn't anyone watching Boardwalk Empire? Remember Prohibition? If the government bans Four Loko, people are going to end up drinking homemade Bathtub Loko. At quadruple the price.