'Jersey Shore' recap: Who’s smushing whom?

Snooki takes exception to Mike's insistence that they have been intimate

Last night’s episode of Jersey Shore brought up so many questions. Let’s deal with the biggest one right away: Did Snooki sleep with Mike or not? He says yes. She adamantly says no (despite Ronnie’s Perry Mason-like cross examination).

Over and over Mike loudly insisted that he never lies. It was like one of those old koan puzzlers: The Situation says all morons are liars. But the Situation is a moron.

Personally, I believe Snooki (see her defend herself in MTV video clip below). But there is always the possibility that she smushed him while in an alcoholic blackout.

Another question: Why did JWoww pull Snooki out of a conversation in order to cruelly exaggerate some simple second-hand gossip? Mike didn’t tell “everyone in the house” and he wasn’t giving out “details” of their night together.

Why would JWoww stir things up like that and intentionally hurt Snooki? I think she’s lonely. You never see her in the club scenes. Probably because she’s in a corner scowling and cracking walnuts with her fingers.

In my opinion, JWoww needs her a man. Or after last night’s anything-goes antics, maybe a woman.

Here’s a nagging issue: After being consistently degraded by Mike, why would exchange student Brittany then introduce her sister Erica to him?

This is a guy who treats her like a dog. Literally. “Lay down.” “Stay here.” “Don’t move.” Each time he finishes sleeping with her, he brusquely packs her in a cab. And she keeps coming back for more.

My greatest hope after watching an episode of Jersey Shore: I hope all these people have been neutered.

Question #4: Exactly what kind of “virgin” is Erica? She’s in bed making out with Deena. When Deena goes into the kitchen to get a snack, Erica hops over to Vinnie’s bed and starts getting it on with him. Then Deena returns and reclaims her. A few minutes later, she’s back under the duvet with Vinnie.

There were a few classic lines last night.

When the twins showed up just as Mike was epoxying himself together, Snooki asked, “What are they doing here? It’s daytime.”

In the club, the Situation was crowing about how he had bagged a “ménage a twin”. Then Deena lured away one of the girls, leading a downcast Sitch to mumble, “My whole menagerie went away.”

When Deena was hitting on the Italian waiter, she noted, “He actually speaks well English.” That makes one of you.

Finally there was Pauly’s reaction to the depressing news that Ronnie and Sammi were giving it another go. “I said if Ronnie and Sammi got back together I would kill myself. You know it’s bad when another person’s relationship makes you want to commit suicide.” Well said, paisan.

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