Last night’s results show opened with the now mandatory ovation for the judges and then for Ryan Seacrest. Down a glittering staircase? Fog machines billowing? Really, Ryan? You’re the announcer, not Liza Minnelli.
The contestants then poured their little hearts into a mashup of Steppenwolf and Lady Gaga. How ‘Glee’! How feeble!
We also got the annual segment in which each young singer tells us something about themselves that America doesn’t know. (That’s a pretty infinite field to choose from.)
Scott McCreey, for instance, demonstrated how he can wiggle his ears. Unfortunate choice, cowboy. You don’t want to do anything that further enhances your resemblance to Alfred E. Newman.
I loved when Ryan referred to the night’s first pro performer Lee DeWyze, as ‘the reigning American idol’. Like this was a beauty pageant. (Maybe it is. I'm convinced Karen was doomed by her Eydie Gorme look on Wednesday more than her singing.)
Ladies and gentlemen, the Black Eyed Peas. As their halftime show at the Super Bowl indicated, they are not so much a band anymore as a performance spectacle. And what was that molded plastic helmet will.i.am was sporting? He looked like Gary Oldman in ‘The Fifth Element’.
On to the results: Karen, Haley and Naima in the bottom three. (If you’re keeping track at home, I predicted two out of three this week. Jacob apparently has his supporters, but for the life of me, I can’t figure out who belongs in that histrionic delusional voting bloc.)
After getting the hook, Karen tried to hold it together, but ended up weeping. This year may set a record for tears shed by departing contestants. That’s because, more than ever before, every one of them seems to be convinced that they deserve to win it. That hubris only heightens the disappointment.
This is good news for Ryan, who swept away one of Karen’s tears with a trembling hand. What blood is to vampires, tears are to Seacrest.