Charlie Sheen: Cursing Up a Storm

Charlie Sheen walked through the crowd like a prize fighter on Saturday as he entered the Mark G. Etess Arena. Then he delivered an evening of entertainment that was utterly punchless.

For half an hour he paced the stage with a microphone, smoking cigarettes and fuming about the recent turn of events in his life. No joke, he came prepared with no jokes. After 11 stops on his tour, many of them debacles, shouldn't he have figured out by now that he needs to hire a gag writer?

"What are we doing tonight?" he demanded. "We're having a *%$# party!"

It was a party where someone forgot to bring the keg and the music and the snacks.

He bragged that if anyone else tried to smoke the massive amounts of crack cocaine he has, they would be dead. This boast brought sustained cheering from the noisy (and seemingly inebriated) core of fans who supported Sheen throughout the evening.

Most of the crowd quickly realized that this was going to be a long night. Using his hand to shield his eyes from the spotlight (make up your mind, Charlie: are you a warlock or a vampire?), he noted, "Wow, I wore out my welcome after ten &%$%* minutes."

Again and again, he referred to his act not as a tour, but as a "movement". Apparently, judging by his rhetoric, it is a movement designed to appeal to people who have the guts to stand up to their bosses and curse them long and loud.

The problem is that most working stiffs would wake up the next morning and realize that they've made a terrible mistake with some serious consequences. As the highest paid actor on TV (formerly), Charlie can afford to walk away from the rubble chuckling.

Then charge people $100 a pop to listen to him boast about how unrepentant he is.

Sheen's saving grace in Atlantic City was the recruitment of comic Jeff Ross, a regular on the Comedy Central roast specials. He came out in a hazmat suit, shouting "What's up, enablers?"

Ross got the crowd laughing as he gave it to Sheen with both barrels, saying, "I'm used to roasting classier people…like Flavor Flav and Courtney Love" and "You're the black sheep in a family that is responsible for three Mighty Ducks films."

Though Charlie was his primary target, Ross spread the insults around. "Have you guys been watching the AIDs documentary on Fox," he asked. "I think it's called Glee."

As for Sheen, he seems to suffer from the delusion that everything that comes out of his mouth is fascinating. He probably woke up Sunday afternoon, convinced he had given the folks their money's worth.

Sorry, Charlie. Not even close.

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