UPDATED: You are now freed from the tyranny of major, historic global news!

Notice anything missing from Saturday's front page? I'll be back with the answer in a bit

HINT: Do not answer "Fear for Felines" as that is actually on there.

UPDATE: As "hippie guru" Ira Einhorn was to Three Mile Island in 1979, so is the "Black Madam" to.....um, Egypt? Hello?