It turns out he has a giant gavel.
Interestingly, it also appears to be very tan.
Meanwhile, in the reality-based world, even cutting $100 billion from the federal budget is too much effort for Boehner and company, despite their stated mission to eliminate the $1.3 trillion deficit with no new taxes.
By the way, those of you who've been racing out to buy the Daily News this week before the price goes up to a dollar may have noticed that I've been very busy covering the bizarre murder mystery involving defense expert and former Pentagon official Jack Wheeler down in Delaware. If you can solve the mystery, please tell me what happened so I can return to full-service blogging.