A pilot script for a new TV network sitcom, That Darn Bill!
EXTERIOR. A RESIDENTIAL STREET IN A SMALL TOWN - DUSK
Cue theme music ("Wedding Bell Blues," as sung by the Fifth Dimension: "Bill / I love you so/ I always will...") A modest one-floor ranch house with attached carport. Camera dollies in slowly on the kitchen window.
INTERIOR. KITCHEN - DUSK
HILLARY, in apron, is washing. BILL, holding dish towel, is drying. Theme music fades, replaced by canned audience applause.
HILLARY
Listen, Bill. We need to talk.
BILL
Aw, not again! Honey, ah swear ah've been a good boy, honest! (Cue laugh track.)
HILLARY
Knock it off, Bill, this isn't about that. If it was, I'd stick this knife where the sun doesn't shine. (Cue laugh track.)
BILL
Careful there, honey, that ole thing is serrated. Hand it over here and ah'll dry it right up. So what is it, then? Everythin' OK down at the office?
HILLARY
I suppose so. But there's 100 of us in there, and I'm thinking maybe it's time to get a new job where I can stand out and get a lot more attention.
BILL
You want attention, darlin'? C'mon over here. Ah'll put on some Elvis, and you can dance with the Big Dog. (Cue laugh track.)
HILLARY
(Hands on hips.)
I'm serious, Bill. I was thinking about maybe going over to the big retail warehouse, where they're advertising for a manager, somebody who can run the whole show and talk to the public.
BILL
Well, honey, ah don't know about that.
HILLARY
Why not? What's it to you?
BILL
Now, now, don't get your pants suit in a twist. (Cue laugh track.) It's just that me and Viktor, the guy from Russia whose front group owns that warehouse? We've got some pendin' business deal. He's been tryin' to help me develop those properties over on Main. Ah was thinkin' maybe of puttin' in a music club over there, call it Bill's House of Blues, mah lasting legacy in town, a place ah can blow my sax.
HILLARY
(Listening patiently.)
Fine, but what's the problem with me being the warehouse manager?
BILL
Nuthin' - outside of the fact that ah'm into Viktor for 60 grand and he says to pay it back soon or he'll decorate mah face with galvanized nails. (Cue laugh track.) Point is, folks in town know that ah'm on the hook to him. You workin' there as manager, it would look bad for your reputation, like maybe you were into somethin' shady, or doin' some shady stuff just to help me.
HILLARY
OK, fine, forget it. You should know I also applied for the manager's job down at the bank -
BILL
Can we talk about that one? Mr. Perkins is about set to give me a loan so ah can pay back Viktor. It might look bad if you were workin' over there, 'cause folks might say you were tweakin' the books just to protect mah business dealin's.
HILLARY
Bill, the only book I'm interested in right now is the one I'd brain you with. (Cue laugh track.) Lucky for you I've researched lots of options. I called that new electronics chain store out by the highway, and it turns out they need a community relations person, somebody to sweet-talk the town on zoning matters, in case they want to expand. You want some apple pie for dessert?
BILL
That's funny, you mentionin' those folks. See, ah'm workin' a deal with them right now, offerin' up some cheap swampland in case they want to expand - in exchange for maybe they'll do the wirin' inside Bill's House of Blues. Looks like mah work is gettin' in the way of your dreams - right, honey?
HILLARY
How'd you like to have this pie shoved so far up your hind end it comes out your ears? (Cue laugh track.)
BILL
Aw, c'mon, sweetie, you know how it is, right? Ah've just been busy hustlin' away for the two of us.
HILLARY
So what would you suggest I do, Bill, huh? I stayed home and baked cookies for years so you could get that real estate license and get yourself established, and now it's my turn - yet you've gone and screwed things up for me everywhere! Next thing you'll tell me is, I'm not even fit for pumping gas in this town!
BILL
(Lower lip quivering. Long pause.)
Well, OK, you're not fit for pumpin' gas in this town. (Cue laugh track.)
HILLARY
Forget the pie, gimmee back that knife. (Cue extra loud laugh track.)
BILL
(Pleading sweetly.)
Ah'm serious, honey. You know Joe, who owns the gas station? Truth is, he could use some day help, but you wouldn't be right for it. See, Joe has always wanted to run a blues club, and he's waiting for me to get the bank loan so ah can pay back the loan to Viktor, and then Joe, if he's satisfied, he'll give me back mah sax, which ah gave him as collateral, on account of how ah owe him a lot of money for gas -
HILLARY
(Listening patiently. A trace of a smile.)
BILL
- but once Joe and ah are square, we can talk more seriously about his running the blues club, which would be all wired up by the electronics store, once ah clinch that swampland deal. Now, it's true folks in town are gossipin' that ah'm just workin' too many deals, but the point is, if you were to start pumpin' gas for Joe, well, it might look some kind of special favor to me - like what they call a 'conflict'?"
HILLARY
(Long pause. Affectionate sigh. Cue audience reaction: "Awww.")
Ohhhhh, Bill, what am I going to do with you? We'll just tell all the folks that I'm perfectly happy working right where I am. I swear, baby, you could talk a hound dog right off a meat truck.
BILL
(Grinning sweetly. The couple embraces.)
Speakin' of trucks, did ah tell you ah'm workin' a deal with that truckin' company out near the mall?...Just kiddin'! (Cue laugh track.) C'mon, honey, let's you and me go cut a lovey-dovey deal of our own. And bring that pie! (Cue laugh track, theme song, canned applause, fade out.)