Rush Limbaugh, sports mogul



In the wee small hours of the morning, in a palatial Florida manse, a prospective National Football League owner is dreaming fitfully about the future (sometimes in his own actual words)....

"Afternoon, folks, I'm Rush Limbaugh, and welcome to today's game featuring my very own St. Louis Rams. Soon to be renamed the Rushes. We're on the road today, in one of those godforsaken un-American cities, whose team is called the Eagles, which is just outrageous when you think about it, appropriating a patriotic icon like the American eagle, in a city that went belly up for the Messiah in the last election, I look around this stadium and I swear there are socialists up and down the aisles, like one of those newsreels of the crowd in Red Square - "

"Rush, can I interrupt?"

"Oh, mercy, where are my manners. Folks, I may have taken over the broadcasting duties for the Rushes, but not even I can do it alone. So I'm joined today by my color commentator, Sean Hannity. Sean, you wanna set the stage for today's tilt? I know my guys are pumped up, ready to prove that an all-white squad can win big even with the liberal media against it."

"It's clear and cold here in Philly, Rush, 22 degrees at game time, and don't you think that must drive the global-warming alarmists crazy?"

"Absolutely, those extremists are no better than the Taliban and Iran, because - oh wait, sorry, folks, we've been talking so much we missed the kickoff. Eagles start from their own 35. The snap to Donovan McNabb. Fakes left, rolls right, throws...oh for pete's sake, it's complete to Brian Westbrook for a pickup of nine. Bet the media will make a real big deal out of that one. It's like how they root for Obama. Obama, McNabb, Westbrook, whoever, the media is very desirous that we all feel guilty for slavery. You see a pattern here, folks? Liberal sellouts. Liberal sellouts have an affirmative action advantage in this league - "

"Rush? Excuse me, but you missed the next play. 56 yard TD, McNabb to Sean DeJackson."

"Or maybe it's DeSean Jackson, what difference does it make, a name like that. Just lookit the way they're all prancing around the end zone, disgusting, it's like the Crips and the Bloods. Folks, these minority players never have to do anything for which they have to apologize, and it's high time we called them out on this, instead of having our testicles locked up in a testicle lockbox - "


" - and it's just a joke. It is a joke. We have a swine flu epidemic, we're bombing the hell out of the moon, our dollar is worthless, the Messiah is designing our cars, the whole world would like to put a nuclear missile up our rectum, and my guys got the media against them because, folks, you know, if 100 percent of the players in the National Football League were black, the media would still treat them as though they just escaped bondage and, in fact, are still in it - "

"Excuse me, Rush. Remember the game? The Eagles just kicked off to our guys - "

"Well, that's mighty white of them."

" - but, well, look for yourself. We fumbled at the 20, and the Eagles just ran it in for a touchdown."

"Oh my golly gosh, will you look at that. No way I'm going to sit here all day and get bitch-slapped upside the head. I'm colorblind, and I treat everybody equally, but this is too much. Folks, this is too much. Sean, let's look ahead to next week. We at least gonna be playing somewhere in real America?"

"Rush, we play the Bears. We're going to Chicago, and...Hey, Rush, you OK? You don't look so good."

"Who draws up this schedule, Karl Marx? Folks, these schedulers are like agents of the nanny state, little nannies who want to control every aspect of all of our lives, and I'm not in that game. No way my guys are taking the field in Chicago. They can have the Olympics before they can have us. I'll play in Kenya before I play in the Messiah's backyard, because, folks, this is an issue of freedom and liberty, and next thing you know they'll make us have flu shots, bunch of busybody people - and hey, look at McNabb down there on the sidelines, smiling like he actually earned it, golly, that irritates the hell out of me. Anybody here got any OxyContin?"