Tuesday, September 16, 2014
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Next gig for the love gov

What would happen if Conan hosted Mark Sanford?

Next gig for the love gov

 

 

"Now here's your host...Conan Ohhhh Briiiiannnn!"

(Cue overcaffeinated applause. Conan parts the curtain, strides forward, clenches his fists, leaps...then suddenly hops sideways, all the way into his desk chair.)

"Thank you Andy, thank you Max, OWWW! We have a fantastic show for you tonight, so fantastic that we wanted to bring out our featured guest right away. We'll have a special Hollywood celebrity with us in a little while, but first, we got somebody who actually called us and pleaded to come on the show, and we thought, 'hey why not, we've had some fun here lately at his expense, so let's give him a chance to show he's a serious guy who's anxious to get back to the tough business serving the people.' So hey, would you please welcome that besotted son of South Carolina, America's own l-l-l-l-love gov...Mark Sanford!"

(Cue applause and wolf calls. Sanford enters stage right, as the band does a riff from Paul McCartney's "Silly Love Songs.")

"Take a seat, governor, glad you called us. And you do look terrific. But hey, I gotta ask, what's that thingy on your head? With the fancy fabric and the jewel?"

"Conan, I'll have you know that this is an exact replica of the crown that King David wore. God Himself crowned King David in Psalm 21, you know. I ordered this online and originally shipped it to my home, but my dear wife refused to sign for it, so here it is with me."

"Anybody tell you that you look like Johnny Carson when he was Carnac the Magnificent? (Cue laughter.) I'm just kidding, seriously now, you're wearing this because - "

"Well, you see, my predicament is so like King David's. He too fell for a woman not his own, he fell mightily and in so many significant ways. He too taxed the patience of God, and sought to regain God's grace by refocusing himself on doing the important work at hand."

"And I see you have brought your work with you. That's a good start, governor. I gotta say, we've never had anybody come on the air carrying file folders. Whatcha got there, statistical stuff about the South Carolina economy? I hear joblessness is high, and the school kids - "

"No, no, nothing like that, Conan. These are photos and dossiers on all the women whom I have crossed the line with. For instance, this girl Betty Lou - "

(Wolf calls, general pandemonium, the band plays a few bars from The Carpenters' "We've Only Just Begun.")

"Governor, please - "

"God wants me to come clean on all these girls. See this photo of Betty Lou, wasn't she a honey? She sent it to me after we...well...it's called petting, right? We met in Washington at a link sausages convention, or perhaps it was that beef jerky reception. I'll check my calendar and get back to you on that. She was a lobbyist or somesuch, with oval green eyes that sparkled in the moonlight every time we reached second base. Or maybe it was first base. I suppose that, in a blue state, it would be called first base - "

(Cut to Conan, head in hands. One eye peeks between his fingers.)

" - but in my book, as a husband and father and in consultation with my spiritual adviser, I believe that my hand resting atop a clothed breast constitutes second base. Although the same can't be said for what happened to me with another girl, named Becky Sue. We danced, ever so closely. I had been blowing off steam with some of the fellows, and there was Becky Sue. She had a certain something that inflamed me. I recall that the band was playing 'Feelings,' and our bodies seemed to fuse. The mere cloth that separated us started to seem superfluous. We were in a place where we should not have gone, metaphorically speaking. We returned to that dance club three times - here are all the receipts, as you can see - and by that third magical night, I contemplated sliding into third base - "

"It's gotta be time for a commercial break. Are my kids watching this show? Kids, if you can hear me, go eat some processed cheese."

" - But, you see, I finally ended it with Becky Sue. She was so darn wasteful. It was an offense to my fiscally conservative principles. She had a bit of a cold - which did make me tentative with my French-kissing - and she used a new tissue every time she wiped her nose. Can you imagine? I told her that if she worked on my staff, I'd never tolerate such a spendthrift habit. One tissue, using both sides of course, should suffice for an entire day. Anyway, she called me a 'cheapskate,' and pushed me back clear to first base."

"Governor, you know what you need, besides a muzzle? A hot cup of coffee. That mug's been sitting there getting cold. We'll bring out a fresh one, and while we do that, we'll bring out our special celebrity guest, who will try to do a little intervention. Would you please welcome...Jennifer Aniston!"

(Cue audience howls, as Sanford yields the guest chair. He moves to the sofa, sips his new coffee, and watches as she scissors her legs. Conan grabs her elbow, oozing desperation.)

"Jennifer, you look terrific. We can talk about that, but first you gotta talk some sense to the governor here. Tell him to stop with the girl stuff. Tell him that it's nuts for him to keep putting his personal business out there."

"Yeesh, governor, what's with the hat? But, OK, you know, wow, here's the deal: You gotta shut up. Take it from me, I used to talk about my dating issues all the time, and now I have no privacy. People make stuff up, they - "

"Jennifer, could you sit by me on the couch? I need to show you something."

"Sit over there? Hey, OK, yeah, I guess so. (She moves over, and re-scissors.) Anyway, as I was saying - "

"Jennifer, this is my high school yearbook, senior year. See these pages right here? I circled the photos of all the girls I fantasized about in dirty ways. These girls are close to 50 years old now, and I plan to visit each and every one, and confess my fantasies to them. Would you like to hear some of these fantasies?"

"Me? Now? Yecch, sorry governor, but...hey, what's wrong? Governor, wake up! Hey Conan, I think the governor just fell asleep on me!"

"Well, it's about time. We put three tabs of Ambien in that coffee. Although, hang on a sec...I can't help but notice that his hand seems to be resting - "

"Yep, ecchh, gross. Looks like the governor is back on second base."
 

 

Dick Polman Inquirer National Political Columnist
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Dick Polman Inquirer National Political Columnist
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