If only...



Five news items I’d love to see, at least in a satiric alternative universe:

In a confessional press release, BP would declare, "OK, we did it. We oh so subtly urged the Brits and Scots to release convicted Pan Am bomber Abdel Basset Ali al-Megrahi. Yes, the murderous Libyan was supposed to serve a life sentence for killing 270 people on that '88 flight, including 189 Americans, but come on, that was so 22 years ago. In the here and now, we at BP have a live offshore oil deal pending with the Libyans, worth $20 billion. So, yeah, last year we figured that if the Libyans got their guy back, they’d be more amenable to sealing the deal. That's certaintly what the Libyans indicated to us, so who were we to disagree? Duh, this is how the real world works. Locking up that terrorist for life would not have resulted in a single drop of new oil. And if it makes everyone feel any better, rest assured that BP will bring to that lucrative offshore project the same advanced safety technology that has long distinguished us on this precious planet."

In a series of infauxtainment segments, aired at the top of every hour, blond bimbettes on Fox News would spread the word that paramilitary forces financed by ACORN and the New Black Panther Party are creating death panels to deal with any white, God-fearing Americans who dare oppose their imminent war on Christmas.

In a stunning burst of candor, Senate Republican leader Mitch McConnell would announce his desire to radically amend remarks he made Sunday on CNN. (He explained that he opposes extending jobless benefits because it would add to the budget deficit. He asked, "At what point do we pivot and start being concerned about our children and grandchildren?") His amended remarks: "Yep, I was totally on board when President Bush blew up the budget surplus back in ’01 and ’03, with his big tax cuts for the affluent. And yep, I was totally on board when we Republicans made the deficit even worse by enacting that Medicare drug prescription benefit back in December ’03. But that was then. Today, jobless people in desperate straits are seeking our help, but we say no. We think such an extension would make the deficit worse for future generations. At what point do we pivot and start being concerned about our children and grandchildren? Well, the answer to that question is obvious: We pivot in an election year when a Democrat is in the White House."

Indulging his political death wish, Colorado gubernatorial candidate and semi-confessed plagiarist Scott McInnis would deliver a new speech – one that he'd claim to have personally authored – spelling out his determination to stay in the race and keep fighting. An excerpt: "We shall fight on the seas and oceans, we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air, we shall defend our Island, whatever the cost may be, we shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills, we shall never surrender."

And in the latest desperate bid to seal America’s most notorious gusher, BP would announce that, in a procedure known as “static kill,” or “bullheading,” it plans to pump heavy mud into the mouth of Mel Gibson.