Be very scared
A satiric look at GOP TV
Be very scared
Dick Polman, Inquirer National Political Columnist
"Prison Break, The Next Generation"
Story treatment for a new TV pilot
Written by the Republican party
In order to best communicate one of our core messages - that Obama and the Democrat party, by closing Guantanamo, will allow freed terrorists to wreak havoc on American soil and destroy the values that Americans hold dear - we have decided to explore a new media platform, the prime-time television drama. What follows is our proposal to reboot a popular Fox show, "Prison Break." The finale aired earlier this month, but now the story continues:
A year has passed. Theodore "T-Bag" Bagwell, the runty one-armed pervert, was captured and returned to Fox River, the prison from which he escaped, but now his spirits are lifted when he learns that the Democrat party is shipping all the Guantanamo terrorists to his cell block. He watches the policy announcement on TV; the president, munching an arugula whole wheat sandwich smeared with French Dijon mustard, promises Americans that "no terrorist will ever escape from Fox River, as long as their guards show them the empathy they deserve." T-Bag, who has sketched the prison's infrastructure on the palm of his one remaining hand, cackles knowingly.
Within weeks, T-Bag has plotted the new prison break. He persuades the terrorists that they can simply walk out the door when the guards are busy doing the homework that is required for their federally-mandated Marxist re-education classes. Ten terrorists manage to walk out before the guards look up from their texts of Das Kapital. The escapees promptly flee to an affluent white suburb, car-jack a Hummer from a svelte blonde mother of three blonde toddlers, shoot up a statue of Ronald McDonald, crash the vehicle into the great room of a McMansion, and upon exiting they swipe a fresh apple pie that's cooling on the kitchen windowsill.
While the president dithers in the White House, falling into a stupor after drinking too much Honest Tea, the escapees commander a TV station and announce on camera to a fearful nation that henceforth all Little League games shall begin with a reading of the Koran, that all football cheerleaders shall be covered from head to toe, and that the president shall immediately free all remaining prisoners at Fox River. The deadline passes without a presidential response, so the terrorists steal a giant American flag from a car dealership, convert it into a magic carpet, and crash it into the Statue of Liberty.
When there is still no response, the terrorists go to DEFCON 5. They tunnel onto the set of American Idol, where they proceed to sing and dance. They announce that the viewers at home will no longer be permitted to vote. Then they waterboard the judges on camera until the judges agree to award the terrorists top prize. This episode is the last straw for millions of Americans. They clamor in vain for a White House response. All seems lost...
Until Michael Scofield, the hero of the Prison Break series, miraculously breaks out of his coffin and claws six feet to the surface. He died in the series finale - or so we all thought! In truth, he had only been playing dead, biding his time, waiting for a moment when he could save his country. Caked in dirt, he hitchhikes to the nearest town, borrows a cellphone from a smitten svelte blonde, unrolls the strip of paper that he had secreted under his thumbnail, glances at the number, and calls the only person left in America who can help him win.
"It's me...This isn't over...whatever you need, Mr. Cheney."
A statement about "Prison Break, The Next Generation"
By the Democratic party
Oh my, oh dear, what will happen to us if this kind of Republican message is disseminated? Goodness gracious, whatever can we do?
Granted, the Republicans have never offered a shred of evidence to suggest that a terrorist would ever be able to escape from an American "supermax" prison; that, in fact, no American inmate has ever escaped from a supermax prison; that, in fact, convicted terrorist Zacarias Moussaoui has been serving a life sentence in a supermax Colorado prison since 2006; that, in fact, several other terrorists, including Richard "Shoe Bomber" Reid, are already serving time in that facility. And, granted, we Americans safely transferred nearly half a million Nazi and Axis prisoners to American soil during World War II, and we guess maybe that's worth pointing out since everyone seems to have forgotten. And granted, the polls overwhelmingly report that most Americans no longer perceive the Republican party to be stronger on national security than our party. And granted, the polls show that the president has landslide support and that the Republicans are talking only to their base.
But still, what are we to do? What if we stand up for ourselves on this Guantanamo issue - and the Republicans yell back at us and call us names? Our knees hurt from the shaking. No, no, it's better that we crumble like wet tissue and declare that we too want to stop terrorists from living on our soil. Speaking of tissue, does anybody have one? We're about to cry.