Be very scared
A satiric look at GOP TV
Be very scared
Dick Polman, Inquirer National Political Columnist
"Prison Break, The Next Generation"
Story treatment for a new TV pilot
Written by the Republican party
In order to best communicate one of our core messages - that Obama and the Democrat party, by closing Guantanamo, will allow freed terrorists to wreak havoc on American soil and destroy the values that Americans hold dear - we have decided to explore a new media platform, the prime-time television drama. What follows is our proposal to reboot a popular Fox show, "Prison Break." The finale aired earlier this month, but now the story continues:
A year has passed. Theodore "T-Bag" Bagwell, the runty one-armed pervert, was captured and returned to Fox River, the prison from which he escaped, but now his spirits are lifted when he learns that the Democrat party is shipping all the Guantanamo terrorists to his cell block. He watches the policy announcement on TV; the president, munching an arugula whole wheat sandwich smeared with French Dijon mustard, promises Americans that "no terrorist will ever escape from Fox River, as long as their guards show them the empathy they deserve." T-Bag, who has sketched the prison's infrastructure on the palm of his one remaining hand, cackles knowingly.
Within weeks, T-Bag has plotted the new prison break. He persuades the terrorists that they can simply walk out the door when the guards are busy doing the homework that is required for their federally-mandated Marxist re-education classes. Ten terrorists manage to walk out before the guards look up from their texts of Das Kapital. The escapees promptly flee to an affluent white suburb, car-jack a Hummer from a svelte blonde mother of three blonde toddlers, shoot up a statue of Ronald McDonald, crash the vehicle into the great room of a McMansion, and upon exiting they swipe a fresh apple pie that's cooling on the kitchen windowsill.
While the president dithers in the White House, falling into a stupor after drinking too much Honest Tea, the escapees commander a TV station and announce on camera to a fearful nation that henceforth all Little League games shall begin with a reading of the Koran, that all football cheerleaders shall be covered from head to toe, and that the president shall immediately free all remaining prisoners at Fox River. The deadline passes without a presidential response, so the terrorists steal a giant American flag from a car dealership, convert it into a magic carpet, and crash it into the Statue of Liberty.
When there is still no response, the terrorists go to DEFCON 5. They tunnel onto the set of American Idol, where they proceed to sing and dance. They announce that the viewers at home will no longer be permitted to vote. Then they waterboard the judges on camera until the judges agree to award the terrorists top prize. This episode is the last straw for millions of Americans. They clamor in vain for a White House response. All seems lost...
Until Michael Scofield, the hero of the Prison Break series, miraculously breaks out of his coffin and claws six feet to the surface. He died in the series finale - or so we all thought! In truth, he had only been playing dead, biding his time, waiting for a moment when he could save his country. Caked in dirt, he hitchhikes to the nearest town, borrows a cellphone from a smitten svelte blonde, unrolls the strip of paper that he had secreted under his thumbnail, glances at the number, and calls the only person left in America who can help him win.
"It's me...This isn't over...whatever you need, Mr. Cheney."
A statement about "Prison Break, The Next Generation"
By the Democratic party
Oh my, oh dear, what will happen to us if this kind of Republican message is disseminated? Goodness gracious, whatever can we do?
Granted, the Republicans have never offered a shred of evidence to suggest that a terrorist would ever be able to escape from an American "supermax" prison; that, in fact, no American inmate has ever escaped from a supermax prison; that, in fact, convicted terrorist Zacarias Moussaoui has been serving a life sentence in a supermax Colorado prison since 2006; that, in fact, several other terrorists, including Richard "Shoe Bomber" Reid, are already serving time in that facility. And, granted, we Americans safely transferred nearly half a million Nazi and Axis prisoners to American soil during World War II, and we guess maybe that's worth pointing out since everyone seems to have forgotten. And granted, the polls overwhelmingly report that most Americans no longer perceive the Republican party to be stronger on national security than our party. And granted, the polls show that the president has landslide support and that the Republicans are talking only to their base.
But still, what are we to do? What if we stand up for ourselves on this Guantanamo issue - and the Republicans yell back at us and call us names? Our knees hurt from the shaking. No, no, it's better that we crumble like wet tissue and declare that we too want to stop terrorists from living on our soil. Speaking of tissue, does anybody have one? We're about to cry.
chrissmith: we could. I'd prefer "H-Y-P-O-C-R-I-S-Y", though.— still_independent- Inky loves torture dudes. Gives 'em jobs. No thanks.— TKone
- Polman: You are nothing more than a coward! You write a piece that shows your true lib feelings, then you hide while we discuss your idiocy. You pretty much are the male version of the Linda Richman character - after starting up the discussion, you slink under the bed while proclaiming you're 'verklempt'! You truly are a spineless, weak-kneed punk!— eagle8
- Chrissmith- excellent point. It all boils down to politics and polls. Democrats are having a hard time squaring themselves with the Guantanomo closure because there tide is changing when they poll the issue. I will give Obama at least some kudos for having the courage of conviction on the subject. The same cannot be said for Harry Reid and his cronies in Congress
- Dick Cheyney and the republicans need to get thier big noses out everything. THEY ARE NOT IN CHARGE ANYMORE. I dont want to see that crook Cheyney and the republicans whine anymore. They were voted out for a reason. They are really too much.— TheBigT12345
- If something goes wrong as a result of a gitmo release, blame bush. Blame Bush no matter. Blame blame blame until 2012, then start up the hope n change express again.— beeron
- beeron = :(— TheBigT12345
- Cheney should be serving a life sentence for treason, murder, theft, perjury, and embezzlement.— riverhealer
Face it dems, Obama made a hasty decision, a stupid decision in a vast field of first year f*ckups.- maybe the oakland raiders or cowboys will add them to their rosters if we bring them to mainland.— johnnyonthespot
- ThebigT12345- You have a gross mis-understanding of the right to free speech. Cheyney as a private citizen is free to speak as he choses. Quite frankly I wish Democrats would quit whining about Republicans. You're right we are not in charge yet every day we get your incessant whining about what a Republican said. It's almost as if the truth hurts. For all the talk of transparacy by Obama I see very little of hit concerning the interrogations that saved American lives. If Obama is so certain the interrogations yielded nothing of quality then release all the information. Real head scratcher that Obama only selectively releases information.
- What is missing in the media is Cheney's approval rating went up eight points since he has been speaking out....no wonder the Dems want him to keep quiet. He must be effective.— tom - wilmington, de
- swede...don't you realize everything Bush was a recruiting tool? Iraq was a recruiting tool. GITMO was a recruiting tool. Harsh Interrogation was a recruiting tool. No terrorists were ever recruited prior to Bush...they were just a bunch of guys sitting around saying "Hey, let's blow ourselves up for kicks". There was no recruiting of terrorists before Bush. As for Middle East, what does liberal think the roadmap approved in 2003 was....directions to a state fair? Even Obama said the other day that the roadmap was the framework for peace and a two state solution that needed to be re-implemented. But I guess that does not count.— tom - wilmington, de
- Shame on all of us for falling for the lie that the men locked up for years without trial are "terrorists." Many were handed over to the US in exchange for bounties, often by neighbors or others that they may have been feuding with. In many cases, the so-called evidence against them is thin to the point of ridiculousness. THESE are the super-dangerous guys we're supposed to be so scared of? I for one have more pride in my country than to think we should be cringing in fear over this. Wincing in shame, maybe. Either try them in court or release them. None of this hooey about "supermax" prisons until you PROVE in the bright sunlight of democracy that these guys are actually guilty of something.
- WTF is it with pro-torture folks trivializing what the Bush doctrine and its illegal torture policies have wrought in making the US and its interests less safer than any point in our history? Is it not enough that terrorist recruitment for Al Qaeda has increased more than 10 fold since the Iraq invasion, with less than 10% of actual Al Qaeda members either captured or killed? Please, your mocking is merely indicative of low-intellect, ignorant, hyper-anti-Americanism that is prevalent among those who disregard the basis of our moral high ground that the rule of law is to be followed by our government. How will they feel if the tables are ever turned on us??? I would bet that they'd be the first to scurry in to hiding. Cowards are what they are called where I come from.— GetEmGood
Cited by the Columbia Journalism Review as one of the nation's top political reporters, and lauded by the ABC News political website as "one of the finest political journalists of his generation," Dick Polman is a national political columnist at the Philadelphia Inquirer. He is on the full-time faculty at the University of Pennsylvania, as "writer in residence." Dick has been a frequent guest on C-Span, MSNBC, CNN, NPR and the BBC. He covered the 1992, 1996, 2000, and 2004 presidential campaigns.
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