Summer headline quick hits

Andy Borowitz

is a humorist, television personality

and film actor

From my cable-news viewing to date, I offer this summertime roundup:

Pain at the pump:

Americans are spending more money than ever at the pump this summer. The reason? Rising gas prices. With gas soaring near $4 a gallon, consumers are finding it more expensive to fill up the family car than when gas cost $3 a gallon. And don't expect the pain at the pump to get better any time soon. According to experts, gas prices will continue to be sky high until they go down.

Attractive white woman found:

An attractive white woman who failed to show up for a spinning class in Denver on Tuesday morning turned up safe and sound Tuesday afternoon. Kimberley McGivers, whom friends describe as attractive and white, said she forgot she had spinning and went to the mall instead. But a police spokesman warned the public against a false sense of security: "If you are white, a woman and somewhat attractive, you are at risk of being reported as missing this summer."

Celebrity divorces pound Northeast:

Residents from Manhattan to Islip braced themselves as celebrity divorces continued to pound the East Coast. What can you do to stay out of the destructive path of a messy celebrity split-up? Experts say stay indoors, stock up on water and foodstuffs, and avoid randy architects and the Kabbalah.

Polygamy mystery deepens:

It's been weeks since there's been any news out of the polygamist compound that was raided in Texas, but that doesn't keep our Special Investigations Unit from digging deeper and looking for answers. One mystery endures: Why did the compound's wives don such unflattering outfits and hairdos? According to one expert, "We're learning much more about what happened inside that compound, but we still don't know why they didn't dress better."

Sharks predict big summer:

Sharks are predicting that 2008 will be their best summer ever, says a spokesman for the nation's sharks. What's behind the anticipated increase in shark attacks? Rising gas prices. Feeling the pain at the pump, Americans are staying off the road and going to the beach - where they are more likely to be eaten by sharks. What should you do if a shark eats you? According to one expert, "You can't do anything. If you're eaten by a shark, you're, like, in a lot of little pieces in the shark's tummy. What kind of question is that? Come on, guys."

$tretching vacation dollar$:

With all the talk about Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac, and the imminent collapse of the global financial system, where are the vacation deals this summer? Well, here's a tip from the editors of Budget Money magazine: Instead of taking that dream trip you've been planning for months, stay home and drink. With the cost of air travel even more painful than the pump, sitting on your couch and getting hammered could be the vacation bargain you've been looking for. Other top travel destinations include weed, crack and crystal meth.

McMahon says no deck:

Former

Tonight Show

sidekick Ed McMahon's financial woes forced him to cancel plans to build a mahogany deck on his Beverly Hills home, McMahon said in an exclusive interview with Larry King. He went public about his troubled deck to draw attention to a problem affecting millions of Americans: "There are lots of folks out there who have canceled their decks," he said, "and I want them to know they're not alone." King's interview with McMahon can be seen every night and will be repeated every hour until someone makes it stop.

Moose on the loose:

And finally, an update on "Sandy," the renegade moose that terrorized vacationers on a Rhode Island beach. No one knows exactly how Sandy wound up on the beach, but moose experts have one theory: rising gas prices. With fewer SUVs on the road, moose are realizing they have a better chance of crossing the highway safely - and that is making for a bolder, more obnoxious breed of moose. As for Sandy, this is one story with a happy ending: Before he could do any harm, he charged into the ocean and was eaten by a shark.