Hating the adult invitation to the child's birthday party
Question: Two friends we have been relatively close with for years have two small children. We have attended their baby showers, taken food over after baby was born, and have gone to their children's birthday parties once. We continue to get invited, but I hate going.
Question:
Two friends we have been relatively close with for years have two small children. We have attended their baby showers, taken food over after baby was born, and have gone to their children's birthday parties once. We continue to get invited, but I hate going.
I don't like going to any child's birthday party, but these are the worst. They invite so many people, and most are in a friend group we are not part of. We end up talking to no one, except our hosts briefly.
I find it odd how often we as adults are invited to children's birthday parties. I don't recall ever having non-family adults at my parties growing up, and if we had kids I guess maybe it would make more sense to me. I like children related to me, but I'm not a "kid" person. My husband thinks we should go because they are our friends. Am I a jerk friend?
Answer: You are not a jerk friend if you say no to a party you don't want to attend.
You are at risk of taking on jerk-friend qualities, let's say, if you concoct a bunch of ways to shift blame onto the hosts for somehow making you not want to attend their party. Or even better - blaming society for foisting on you the institution of the adult invitation to a child's party that your parents' generation was too sensible to impose. Or something.
Own your decision. You don't enjoy these parties. "We send our regrets, but thanks for the invitation. Wish the peanut a happy birthday from us."
Maybe I'm just getting old and uncrabby, but I'm feeling more sympathy for party-throwers these days. We humans need to gather. Institutions don't pull us in as they used to. It takes work to host, and guests are less well-versed than ever in the etiquette of being guests.
If you don't want the proffered food, fine, but I think we'd all do well to resist biting the hand.
Question: This may be an odd question, but I am wondering if you have any tips for how to wind up a conversation. I struggle and tend to restate what was already said or say concluding-sounding things repeatedly. I think it is because I feel a bit socially awkward. But I can tell my conversation companion is trying to figure out how to put an end to it, too.
Answer: It's not odd at all. Endings can feel rude or even unkind, in an, "OK, I'm done with you now" kind of way.
But the awkwardness of your current exit dance is to your advantage here: You can see the solution not as introducing awkwardness to a conversation, but as replacing the old awkwardness with a different one. An abrupt, "Oops, I've got to run" may feel as weird as circling each other with restatements and reconclusions, but at least it's a kind of weird that sets you free.
Chat with Carolyn Hax online at noon Fridays at www.washingtonpost.com.