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Advice-giving in-law just wants to feel needed

Adapted from a recent online discussion. Question: I love my sister-in-law, but she is the queen of unsolicited advice. Any conversation about my work, our house, conflicts with friends, or dealing with our kids, if it includes anything relating to a problem or disappointment - even if I have expressed no hint of being in doubt about what to do, or even whether anything needs to be done - brings an immediate, "You should..."

Adapted from a recent online discussion.

Question: I love my sister-in-law, but she is the queen of unsolicited advice. Any conversation about my work, our house, conflicts with friends, or dealing with our kids, if it includes anything relating to a problem or disappointment - even if I have expressed no hint of being in doubt about what to do, or even whether anything needs to be done - brings an immediate, "You should..."

The first few times I can brush it off, listen politely, and go on to the next subject. But she comes to visit for several days. After the first six or seven instances of this, her advice - usually rather impractical or unhelpful - gets eally annoying.

Answer: As always, give candor a try: "Actually, I'm not really looking for advice, just an ear," or, "It's under control, thanks, I'm just making conversation."

You can also help her satisfy these advisory impulses of hers, which she apparently can't resist, but this time on your terms: Pick something you're reliably not emotional about or possessive of, and ask for her help with it. "I'm never happy with the way my mashed potatoes turn out, and yours are so good. What's your secret?" Or, "I'm between books/TV shows - have you read/watched anything good lately?" Plan so you can do this at several points throughout her visits, and - this is important - focus on her strengths.

If that fails, stick to brush-offs, but pick a deflection phrase and use it each time, verbatim. "Interesting," works well, as does, "Huh - I'll keep that in mind." The repetition will deliver your message, if you have the patience to let it. Even if she refuses delivery, it works as a polite way to deny her any unwelcome engagement in your personal business.

As a last resort, there's an approach that can delight fans of meta. At a moment when you're not being subjected to unwelcome coaching, if such an opening exists in nature, say, "This has been bothering me, and I thought you might have a suggestion: What do you do when people offer you unsolicited advice? It's one of my pet peeves, and I still haven't found a satisfying way to deal with it." Then wait a bit - till the next visit, if you can restrain yourself - and subtly follow whatever her answer to that question was.

tellme@washpost.com.

Chat with Carolyn Hax online at noon Fridays at www.washingtonpost.com.