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Tell Me About It: Take no sides in her divorce

Adapted from a recent online discussion. Question: Our daughter is divorcing after a 25-year marriage and wants us to divorce our son-in-law, too. We have known him since the two were teenagers, and we love him as a son.

Adapted from a recent online discussion.

Question: Our daughter is divorcing after a 25-year marriage and wants us to divorce our son-in-law, too. We have known him since the two were teenagers, and we love him as a son.

Our daughter is alleging that he has been abusive to her, but we have never seen any evidence of this. He has always been highly reactive with a full range of emotional expression, while she tends to be passive-aggressive, withholding and stubborn. We have never sensed that she is dominated by him, and she has pursued every goal or desire that he did not share or support. She has never described any specific incidents of abuse.

We support her in her decision to end the marriage because she is not happy, but we can't bring ourselves to end our relationship with our son-in-law on the basis of allegations that we simply don't believe. As a consequence, she is cold and uncommunicative with us. What are we missing here?

Answer: That you just told your daughter you believe in your son-in-law more than you believe in her, and that you just discounted her allegation of abuse. "Oh, you're just being stubborn."

How would you react if someone said that to you?

Now, maybe the relationship between them (and its breakdown) was more complicated than she's making it out to be, but for her to say that he abused her is (a) a serious charge, and (b) one you cannot disprove solely on what you've witnessed over 25 years. So you either believe her, or you pay the price of not believing her. It's not reasonable to expect otherwise.

Certainly it's possible your instinct is correct and she is making false or self-serving accusations, but if that's the conviction you're going to stand by, then you can't expect your daughter to shrug it off. If she's convinced she's the victim, she will be devastated by your lack of support, and if she knows she's blaming him to dodge her own accountability, then she will have the defensive outrage of the exposed.

If you think it's possible what she's saying is true, then you need to apologize: "I realize it must feel like a huge betrayal that we didn't take on faith that what you said about Husband was the truth. I see now what a mistake it was to assume what we witnessed was the whole story. I hope you'll forgive us that. I also hope you'll help us understand the rest of the story."

If, instead, you're confident in your assessment that she's blaming him to absolve herself, then integrity demands that you stand by that - and take her displeasure on the chin.