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Holiday or anytime, no exceptions
If you're a houseguest, arrive with gift in hand
If you want to be a good houseguest during the holidays, proper etiquette calls for you to bring more than your suitcase, your sparkling personality, and your good manners.
"I very much believe in the notion of never showing up empty-handed to someone's house whether I'm staying overnight or I'm just coming for dinner," said etiquette expert Leah Ingram of New Hope, who wrote The Everything Etiquette Book: A Modern-Day Guide to Good Manners (Adams Media, $14.95).
"You will never go wrong if you bring the host a little something when staying at someone's house."
Etiquette coach Gail Madison of the Madison School of Etiquette and Protocol in Huntingdon Valley is even more emphatic.
"To not do something in terms of a gift is just tacky," Madison said. "A gift is an appropriate gesture. It's not optional."
But what if you're helping to prepare Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner?
It doesn't matter, said Madison and Ingram. There are no exceptions to the gift-for-the-host rule, they said. Not if you're cooking. Not if you plan to exchange holiday gifts. Not even if you're staying with relatives.
"If you're staying overnight, there is no situation where you're off the hook. Period," Ingram said. "It doesn't have to be something super expensive. But you should have a gift to say thank you to your host."
So what exactly is an appropriate gift?
Etiquette experts said the key is to keep things simple and consider the tastes and lifestyle of your host.
"You don't have to spend hundreds of dollars," Ingram said. "Maybe you show up with a dozen doughnuts or bagels and a bag of coffee or a tin of tea for breakfast the next morning. Or you can bring a bottle of wine."
Trying to avoid lugging gifts when you travel? Experts suggested picking up the tab for dinner one night during your stay as an option.
Madison pointed out that gifts that can be used during your stay such as paper guest towels or cocktail napkins are a good idea. But pressuring the host to use your gift while you're staying there is a no-no.
"The host has enough to think about without feeling they have to make you happy by using whatever it is you brought them," she said.
And watch gifts that create extra work for the host, Madison added. Flowers can be a beautiful addition to the table, but not if your host has to stop what she's doing, find a vase, and arrange the flowers.
"If you're going to take flowers, bring them already arranged in a vase, or bring a plant so you're not creating any extra work for your host," she said.
Etiquette Tips for Holiday Guests
For holiday guests, etiquette experts also suggest certain gifts in terms of your behavior:
Leave your drama at home.
Be quiet about your host's cooking, even if you can do it better.
Don't complain about where you're seated or where you're sleeping.
Make friends with the kids and pets.
Clean up after yourself and make your bed. Your host is not your maid or butler.
Don't stay up or hang out until all hours of the night (unless accompanied by your host).
Follow the rules of the house. If it's an early-to-bed, early-to-rise household, you must do the same.
Make sure to ask in advance whether your host's family dresses up for holiday brunch or dinner and bring an outfit with you, just in case.
- Karyn Collins
