Welcome to Week 5. The official start of hunting season. Hunter? You. (And Jared Allen, evidently.) Hunted? The unsuspecting mooks in your league. Weapon of choice? The Trade. (But bring Contra Spray Gun for backup.) Urine to mask the scent? I'm thinking something from the Marion Butts collection.

Hunting season could not come fast enough for me this year. I couldn't win a head-to-head with bye week right now. If stink were a color, I'd be the rainbow. My team somehow has a going problem and a growing problem.

But this is not about me. This is about you. Look at you. Like Hammer at Crabtree's negotiating table. Getting. It. Done. Spot-starting the Niners D for 39. Benching McFadden for his Negativo. And don't think I didn't see you add Sims-Walker and drop Holt at 11:58 Sunday morning from your blackberry while at church. (Not telling, but say 10 Hail Marys and trade me Sims-Walker.)

If this were a movie, a British manager would be all over you saying, "I don't know what it is, but you've got it. You're going to be huge."

He's right. You're going to be huge. (We all are. Preservatives in our food are killing us. Go organic, chub rock.) You also have it. And I want it. And that's why this movie is Dr. Tradelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying about My Team and Fell In Love With Yours.

According to CBS Sportsline, the most traded players over the last month are 1. Terrell Owens 2. Mario Manningham 3. Willis McGahee 4. Steve Slaton. 5. Brandon Marshall. A bit further down the list - but not too far - Roddy White, Larry Fitzgerald, Michael Turner and DeAngelo Williams.

This means two things: 1. No one's untouchable; 2. somebody out there wants your guys (and they're thinking about them right now. (Creepy.) Half that list I just gave were first- or second-rounders a month ago. Peterson and Brees didn't make the Top 40, but that doesn't mean they're Elliot Ness, either. The possibilities are endless. Like that episode of Perfect Strangers where Balki learns to drive. Anything can happen. You just have to ask.

Not sure you're a trader? Let me ask you. Do you like mojo? A friend of mine just traded away Addai and in return got Jones-Drew. How do you like that Mojo? (The other owner was 0 and 4 and wanted to shake things up. He also thought it was 2007, apparently. My friend allegedly told him "You're 0-4 with him, you can't be much worse without him, right?" And this worked!)

And therein lies the dirty secret to the deal. Everybody wants in and nobody knows when they're the prey. I've been both and here's my manifesto:

1. Buy low, sell high is too complicated. This isn't Wall Street. This isn't The Price is Right. (If it were, it'd be Plinko, not High Low.) Just Buy, Baby.

2. Always look at the schedule. Eighty percent of half of what we do is matchups. What makes that Mojo deal such a coup is that he has the Seahawks, Rams, Titans and Chiefs in four of the next five weeks.

3. Target pedigree and touchability.

4. When a deal is in danger of falling through the cracks, always tell the owner, "You're 0-and-4 with him, you can't be much worse without him, right?"

That's it, that's the manifesto. Now slap on some Marion Butts cologne and get some big game. If you ain't trading, you ain't trying.

Week 5

Starters

Donovan McNabb vs. Buccaneers - No qualms about starting him first game back. The Bucs' D stops here. And by "here" I mean "nobody."

Marion Barber vs. Chiefs - Handing off to Barber is like throwing Rock in Rock, Paper, Scissors. You might not win, but in your heart of hearts you know there's no paper in the world that beats rock.

Rashard Mendenhall vs. Lions - This year's Steve Slaton. Tackling Mendenhall is like embracing a cement mixer.

Sitters

Anyone on the Chiefs, Browns or Bills.

Tony Romo vs. Chiefs - You could start Bromo. You could also drink Drano. The only people he's hurting more than fantasy owners are his receivers.

Steven Jackson vs. Vikings - Stop starting Rams. Start stopping losing.

Fearless prediction

Chris Johnson will be Chris Johnson. 140-and-2 and a 30-yard run to the 1-yard-line. He'll be taken out, you'll throw a pillow, Lendale will come in, get blown backward because he's too skinny now (Mas Tequila!), CJ will return for your TD and point at you as he makes his way to the bench. This will come on the Titans' third drive. They'll be trailing 14-0 at the time.

Stupid prediction

Steve Smith1 will outpoint Steve Smith2. Never mind that Smith1 is now Smith2 and Smith2 is now Smith1, I've got the good Smith (who's now the not-good Smith) outscoring the not-good Smith (the new good Smith).

Fearless, stupid prediction

The Giants' D will hold the Raiders to negative yards. And possibly negative points. I'm convinced Oakland's running the Tecmo Bowl playbook. (Totally freakin' awesome, right? Also totally freakin' predictable. It's four plays. Pick B and Down a couple of times and your D has a 35-point week.)

Reali-Ty bites

I don't believe in reincarnation, but if I could come back as one thing it would be Jared Allen's mullet. . . . With his helmet on, Aaron Rodgers looks like the temp on The Office. . . . My Sunday night DVR OD'd on football, Mad Men, Curb, Entourage and Dexter. . . . Dexter wears cool shirts. ... Is Julia Louis Dreyfus the female Benjamin Button? ... Watching Jason Campbell play QB is a less-humane form of capital punishment. . . . So is listening to any song from an iPod commercial. . . . Week 5, T-Minus soon. . . . Watch openly, fantasize discreetly.