It's a celeb gossip columnist's dream: cattiness, coldness, impregnable force-fields of silence on the movie set! Seems that young beauty Scarlett Johansson, 24, is just too young and too beauteous for Gwyneth Paltrow, 36, who must share a movie set with Scar-Jo. That movie is Iron Man 2. Mrs. Chris Martin (he of the band Coldplay) reprises her role as Pepper Potts, right-hand goil to Tony Stark/Iron Man (played by Robert Downey Jr.). So Gwyn must sit behind a desk while Scar-Jo as Black Widow has all the slinky, sexy fun. Celebuzz reports that, according to conveniently Unnamed Sources, Gwyn mad hates it, snubbing poor Scar-Jo all summer, even dissing the makeup crew. Insider, the CBS celeb blog, writes that "Nobody Likes Gwyneth Paltrow," but not so: Through her popular blog, GOOP, she has become a Web Oprah Winfrey, dispensing reading lists, advice, and fashion tips around the known world.

Flash: Oscar biffs opponent's knee

Speaking of odd couples, basketball tower Shaquille O'Neal, 8-foot-12, fought very-much-former boxing champ Oscar De La Hoya, a yard under six feet, on Tuesday. They squared off in a ring at Planet Hollywood Hotel in Lost Wages for ABC's Shaq Vs. In this mind-bucklingly silly show, which premiered Tuesday, Shaq competes against stars in other sports. In one of the greatest quotations of all time, the hilarious Shaq says he's doing the show because "I represent the male bravado couch potato." We don't understand, either, but anyway, he is really 7-1 and 325 pounds, and Oscar is 5-10 and 154. That's right: Shaq weighs more than two Oscars!!! Normally, such a fight is a way to die, but Oscar survived. In a TMZ video clip of the non-fight, the crowd is laughing hysterically, and for good reason.

Wahlberg inhales, goes to hospital

You can get hurt making those movie things. Just ask Mark Wahlberg, working on The Fighter with Christian Bale (who, judging from his behavior, suits that title) and Amy Adams. According to RadarOnline, on the night of Aug. 13 they had a scene in which "a smoke machine was being used for atmosphere, and apparently [Wahlberg] breathed in too much smoke." He woke up next morning fighting to breathe. He was whisked to Massachusetts General Hospital, where they got him better fast. He was back on set that very afternoon.

Dark white man disses light dark man

They oughta have a Hall of Fame for perma-tans. The kind you find only in Hollywood and TV land. All-time perma-tan Zeus would be, of course, George Hamilton, more famous for his dermal hue than for anything he ever did in film or tube. (What did he star in, again? OK, of course, how could we have forgotten Viva Maria!, Zorro the Gay Blade, or 8 Heads in a Duffel Bag?) His only tan line, as he said in a Tuesday video with TMZ reporters, is beneath his pinky ring. He went on to say, archly: "I'm a little suspicious of Obama; I think he probably has [a tan line], too." George! Other Leathery Perma-Tan Hall of Famers: newscaster Brian Williams; Burt Reynolds; Pamela Anderson; David Hasselhoff; Paula Abdul; Regis Philbin; Victoria Beckham . . . send in your nominees to SideShow!

I am woman, see me score

Every single "SideShow" is required by law to have a Gosselin-related story. OK, glad to. Jon Gosselin is in the midst of (a) a reality show with his wife Kate and fam titled Jon + Kate Plus 8; and (b) divorcing Kate; and (c) many other women's lives at once! Two of them are pitching mondo hissy at whatever pubs will tell it to the world. Kate Major, 26, hereinafter to be known as Kate 2.0, told CBS's Inside Edition that Hailey Glassman, 22, supposedly Jon's BFF, whatever that stands for, was a "liar" for saying Kate 2.0's thang with Jon was platonic. Nu-uh! shouts Kate 2.0. It may have been nasty, brutish, short, and meaningless, but Jon was cheating on Hailey wiff meee! Glassman had called Kate 2.0 "cuckoo-cuckoo." (Oh, snap!!!!) Asked whom she favors in the Divorce Gosselin Style, Kate 2.0 says she likes Kate 1.0 and feels sorry for anyone married to Jon for 10 years. Copy that.

Meanwhile, Kate 1.0 is in Us Weekly, dishing right and left. She hates Stephanie Santoro, babe babysitter and Jon chum. An Unnamed Source "close to Jon" says Kate 1.0 was "definitely seeing someone" before the split.

And now - we hate to break it to you - as if there was not enough undeserved pain and suffering in the world, rumor has it Jon is thinking of making a second reality show!!! WHYYY??? E!News quotes that amazingly busy Unnamed Source as saying Jon-boy is in snout-to-snout talks with Endemol, not a laxative but the company that brought you Big Brother. (And aren't you grateful?) Jon's big idea: a show called The Divorced Dads Club, about the lives of famous single fathers. Which Jon will soon be.

Oprah, Queen Liz 2 fail to crack top 30

Yesterday, Forbes released its 2009 list of the World's Most Powerful Women, and sad to say, neither Kate 1.0., Kate 2.0, nor Hailey was on it. Number-one wonder woman was Angela Merkel, chancellor of Germany, topping the list for the fourth consectutive year. Coming up fast was FDIC chair Sheila Bair, and in show position was Indra Nooyi, CEO of PepsiCo/US. Others on the list include Melinda Gates (34), Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton (36), Oprah Winfrey (41), Queen Elizabeth II (42) and Speaker of the House of Representatives Nancy Pelosi (35). See the whole list at www.forbes.com/women.

Bana loves the cars he crashes

Banal, beautiful Eric Bana appears on the September cover of Men's Health, and also on the flip-side cover of Men's Health Guide to Style. He's also in The Time Traveler's Wife with Rachel McAdams. TTTW debuted in third place in last weekend's box-office sweeps. Bana has had a boffo year: He pleased in Star Trek and Funny People, and he also debuted his self-made documentary Love the Beast about his 1974 Falcon XB Coupe. He got said rattletrap, nicknamed The Beast, as a teen, and he totaled it in a 2007 crash. In Men's Health, he talks cars, racing cars, crashing cars, recovering from crashing cars, bonding with friends via cars, and his personal style. In a heart-stopping revelation, he tells Men's Health: "I love a slim-fitting suit." Y'think?

That busy, busy Unnamed Source

You gotta hand it to Unnamed Source. Other things Unnamed Source has been saying: Kate Hudson wants a baby by post-steroidal boytoy Alex Rodriguez; Kim Kardashian was sashaying around New Orleans Monday with NFL guy Reggie Bush; Paula Abdul is in negotiations to return to American Idol after all; the Jackson Family is negotiating to do a multi-part show about . . . themselves, and all of them are furious with the TV-hogging Jermaine Jackson.

Contact "Sideshow" at sideshow@phillynews.com.

This column contains information from Inquirer wire services.