Those Surreal Jersey Hausfrauen are at it again. US Weekly has broken the brain-blasting news: Jacqueline Laurita and Danielle Staub are no longer speaking! If you have no idea what all this means, feel good: You are a sane person. Jacqueline and Danielle are two of the Real Housewives of New Jersey, a brace of witchy britches on a Bravo reality show. A book on Danielle's checkered past (checkered? Dude, it's plaid!) somehow got in the mix, setting all the hotheads at loggerheads. And that's the point, right? On the June 16 "finale/showdown," Jacqueline stood up for Danielle, accusing fellow Housewives Dina and Caroline Manzo of uncovering the book to undo her. Now Danielle's past is back! On Tuesday, she was named in fed court docs alleging her role in kidnapping, a $24,000 drug deal, and an escort service. With an assassin's timing, Jacqueline, all-time fair-weather friend, has turned on Danielle. Why? No word. Cat scratches on all flanks!

Sex, truths and videotapes

Meantime, a former Staub bf is trying to peddle a sex tape in which, we guess, she may have a smallish cameo. Block that tape! A complaint filed yesterday in Passaic County Superior Court (Staub lives in Wayne, N.J.) says Stephen Zalewski, who showed up on Housewives, is vengeful because he was dumped. Steph-O ain't 'pologizin'. He tells Star mag he's "weighing my options as far as selling" the tapes. . . . "She cost me so much money, why shouldn't I make a few dollars?" The judge issued an injunction banning any sex-video release pending a hearing next month.

When number one is not enough

Last August, the Jonas Brothers debuted their first album, A Little Bit Longer, atop the Billboard 200 album charts. Now the cute-booty quasi-rockers have done it again. Their latest, Lines, Vines and Trying Times, sold around 247,000 hot, wet copies its first week and now straddles the top, overthrowing The E.N.D. by the Black Eyed Peas, which sold only 148K and slipped to ignominious number two. A second straight topper debut is great, but reflect: Last summer's album sold more than 525K its first week. Just sayin' . . . Incubus' greatest-hits album, Monuments and Melodies, sold 70K and bows at number 5.

Another Jonas in the belly of the whale

Nick Jonas, 16 hot years old, was recently seen hugging a Jet Ski with Miley Cyrus, or was it just Miley he was hugging? On Tuesday, N-Jo met President Obama at the House of White to talk about diabetes. N-Jo (nickname: "Mr. President." No joke!) was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes three years ago; he founded the Change for Children Foundation. Yesterday, along with limelighters Mary Tyler Moore (who had juvenile diabetes) and Sugar Ray Leonard (who has diabetic family members), he spoke before the Senate Homeland Security and Governmental Affairs Committee.

A movie about a Web site with pictures

According to Variety, Columbia Pictures is having heavy nose-to-nose talks with David Fincher (he of The Curious Case of Benjamin Button) to direct The Social Network, a film about Facebook. Wunder-but-no-longer-kind Aaron Sorkin is writing the script, about how Facebook was cooked up in 2004 by Harvard soph Mark Zuckerberg. The film is based on Ben Mezrich's just-about-released book, Accidental Billionaires. Producers include Scott Rudin, Michael De Luca, Kevin Spacey, and Dana Brunetti. Shooting may start later this year. No word on how much will be devoted to those totally engrossing lists, Which Organic Vegetable Would You Be?, or 37 Olivia Newton-John Songs I Sing While Having an Epidural, or People Say I Resemble the Left Earlobe of This Celebrity!

Dots, dishes, splashes, and splishes

Ain't the destruction of intimate relationships wonderful? It is for celeb columns. E! Online says Nick Lachey (once of 98 Degrees, and once of marriage to Jessica Simpson) and former Miss Teen USA and MTV VeeJay Vanessa Minnillo (once of Derek Jeter), who were gorgeous together for three years, will now be gorgeous apart. . . . Laila Ali, pugilist and daughter of boxing immortal Muhammad Ali, is married to former NFL star Curtis Conway. His ex, Leoria Sanamu Conway, wants more child support and is telling a judge Conway is mad rich because Laila is. Leoria wants to see all Laila's finances, including any inheritance, and that could suck Muhammad into the fray. Laila and husband are asking the judge to block that request. . . . In Montgomery County Court docs made public Tuesday, Kate Gosselin checked a box to say she and hubster Jon have been separated for two years, puzzling in light of, like, this whole TV show about their marriage and kids. . . . On Monday, on TLC's Jon & Kate Plus 8, the Gosselins announced their divorce. On Tuesday, TLC said there would be a hiatus. Then yesterday, "Gatecrasher," celeb blog for the New York Daily News, said new epis would resume in August, with newcomer - and Jon's reported girlfriend - Deanna Hummel, 23. But then TLC said they weren't doing that. A rep said in a statement late yesterday that "There are no plans to use" Hummel; "all future episodes haven't even been planned." . . . Darryl Hannah, who drives an eco-friendly car powered by recycled grease (ewww - explain to us how grease is green?), was arrested Tuesday in West Virginia for sitting down in the middle of a highway to protest mountaintop coal mining. That's where you blow up a mountaintop to get at the good stuff. Hannah (a seasoned protester and arrestee) and others were released after being cited for impeding traffic and obstructing an officer, West Virginia State Police said. . . . In the Why Can't We Have Political Leaders Like This? file, Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi tells gossip mag Chi he never paid to sleep with any of the high-price prosties who came to par-tay at his official crib. Here in the U.S.A., state governors can be ruined by the first whiff of the nasty. What's great about this guy is that he gets all indignant - but not about the sex charges, which, among other things, have driven his wife of 28 years, Veronica, screaming from the house! No, he's mad anyone would think he'd pay for it. Priceless: "I never understood where the satisfaction is when you're missing the pleasure of conquest." Ben parlato, primo ministro.

Contact "SideShow" at sideshow@phillynews.com. This column contains information from Inquirer wire services.