I'm not one to hold a grudge.

On the contrary.

I don't merely hold a grudge - I wave my grudge proudly. I hoist it like the Statue of Liberty with her torch. I love my grudges.

I put the grrrr in grudge.

I have lots of grudges, maybe 300 of them, and they're always with me, like a Snuggie of bad feelings. And when I travel, I pack my grudges in a roller bag and drag them behind me.

They don't fit in the overhead.

They barely fit in a 737.

But I'm starting to wonder if this is a good thing.

Our story begins with my oldest grudge.

More than 20 years ago, I decided to try to become a writer. I did this to stay home with baby daughter Francesca, but that's not the point. The point is I always wanted to write a novel, and the more I thought about it, the more I wanted to give it a shot. So finally I did, and there followed five years of rejection. My favorite rejection letter came from a New York agent who wrote: "We don't have time to take on any more clients, and if we did, we wouldn't take you."

Ouch.

I've had a grudge against that meanie for almost two decades, and it's one of my favorite grudges.

I'm hoping you can relate. I'm betting somebody done you wrong, at some point. Maybe more than one person. And maybe, like me, you keep mental score, so you can keep hate alive.

If you are a grudge professional, you keep a You-Know-What List. I myself have a You-Know-What Book, Volumes 1-12.

What doesn't kill you makes you bitter.

So here is what happened:

I was signed up to go to Book Expo America, which is a big publishing trade show in New York, and I knew that the aforementioned meanie would be there, because he always goes. Every year, when I spot him, my head explodes and I think felonious thoughts, but I never say anything because he's always across the room or surrounded by people.

Also, I chicken out.

And it's been bothering me for years that I chicken out.

In fact, between being angry at the meanie for the original grudge and being angry at myself for chickening out, I'm packing a lot of bad vibes lately, far too many to carry on the plane.