Laughable plot, wooden dialogue, cutout characters; stupid title appendage to make it more textable; usual cynical CW glorification of teen sexuality and substance abuse; mediocre acting.

But the actors are hot as fire, and this is the first network show in which the girls take off their shirts as much as the boys. Of course, they coyly cover up with a towel or their hands or whatever else is handy, which is kind of ugly, too.

The show, premiering at 9 tonight, supposedly provides an inside look at the pressurized, or glamorous, or cutthroat, or whatever adjective you want to choose, world of modeling. After watching the show, wretched comes to mind.

Ben Hollingsworth, 25 and Canadian, of course, plays Chris, the gorgeous Iowa farm boy we meet having a way-too-expensive lunch in the Big Apple. "We'll be paying off this family vacation for the next three harvests," Dad laments.

Maybe not. A sharp-dressed modeling agent spots Chris. "I make beautiful people very rich," he tells the wide-eyed rube, who, unlike everybody watching, doesn't suspect that this guy specializes in making beautiful boys very rich, or at least making out with them.

Then we have Sara Paxton, 21, who has already demonstrated her ability to be naked and stunning in this year's Last House on the Left big-screen remake. She plays the good-hearted Next Big Thing, who gets her breakthrough chance when Mischa Barton's character turns up for the big show too fat to wear the designer's masterpiece.

Turns out Paxton's character is only 16, which works to her advantage when the sleazy designer puts the moves on her.

Which sleazy designer? I don't know. Almost everybody is sleazy/greedy here, even Elle Macpherson, who plays the head of an agency but would be better served sticking to front-of-the-camera work where she doesn't say anything.

She did say something to the TV critics at their summer meeting in L.A.: "We are working very hard to make sure that this program is authentic" blah, blah, blah "to keep it honest, and to have an integrity."

This show has about as much integrity as Bernie Madoff. Maybe that makes it an honest look at the world of modeling, but it sure doesn't make it worth watching.

Jonathan Storm:

The Beautiful Life: TBL

9 tonight on CW57