The only one I haven't abandoned is the Emmys, and that's because it's an unavoidable occupational hazard. But if the Academy of Television Arts and Sciences is serious about increasing ratings for the telecast, I have a foolproof solution (the only kind that will work on TV).

For every "Best" category, institute a "Worst."

Let me get you started.

Worst Actor in a Drama: Joe Mantegna on Criminal Minds

Worst Actress on a Drama: Rose McGowan, Damages

Worst Actress in a Comedy: Cobie Smulders on How I Met Your Mother

Worst Actor in a Comedy: Eric Mabius on Ugly Betty

Worst Comedy: 'til Death

Worst Drama: The Forgotten

Worst Reality Show: Denise Richards: It's Constipated - oops, I mean Complicated

Worst Reality Show Host: Ryan Seacrest of American Idol

Tell me you wouldn't tune in if the Emmys came to pillory performers, not to praise them.

I guarantee one thing: The acceptance speeches would be much shorter. After the obligatory, "It's an insult just to be mentioned with the other nominees in this category," what is there left to say? "Thanks a heap"?

If you have suggestions for any or all of these categories, e-mail me. I'll do a roundup next week.

Toxic twins. Speaking of bad acting, did you catch Tyra Banks on this week's Gossip Girl?

You'd think Banks, talk-show-terror and megalomaniacal model, would be utterly convincing as a self-absorbed, tantrum-throwing diva. But she was as artificial as a plaster-of-Paris miniature of the Eiffel Tower.

Putting her together with Gossip Girl's Blake Lively, as the show did in scene after scene, was an acting Armageddon. The cameramen should have been wearing hazmat suits.

Bad moves. Want to get a good look at the woman at the center of the David Letterman scandal?

Go to YouTube and search for "Dancing to Rod Stewart & Stephanie Birkitt." It's a remote featuring the Late Show mystery staffer in Rupert's deli, next door to the theater where the program is taped.

Letterman demands that she imitate on camera the dance moves of her ex-boyfriend. Birkitt goes into a stooped, shoulder-dipping spasm that looks like an elephant trying to shrug off a tight sweater.

Dave, laughing more uproariously than I've ever seen him, makes her do it again and again. Almost in tears, he wheezes, "I love it. It's just the best, isn't it?"

If the ex-boyfriend in question happens to be Letterman's alleged blackmailer Robert Halderman, that segment may explain why things have gotten so ugly.

Fire away. South Park opened in raw form this week with an episode in which Kyle's little brother is possessed by the spirit of Michael Jackson.

It seems the Gloved One can't accept the fact that he's dead, severely inconveniencing all the other celebrity ghosts who are waiting in Purgatory to go over to the other side.

Along the way, the episode savagely skewered SyFy's paranormal show Ghost Hunters, infomercial icon Billy Mays, junior beauty pageants, and the Chipotle food franchise.

Hide your sacred cows. South Park is back.

When in Rome. Mi scusi, but can someone please explain to me how Betty, Don Draper's missus, suddenly became fluent in Italian this week on Mad Men?

Yeah, I know she is supposed to have attended Bryn Mawr College, but have you seen any prior signs of linguistic proficiency?

It just seemed awfully convenient that the Drapers take a trip to Rome, and the little lady begins speaking like a native.

What happens if the Drapers take a daytrip to Coney Island? Does Betty develop a Brooklyn accent?