Dear Nervous about Middle School,

It's perfectly normal to be nervous about a big change such as moving from elementary school to middle school.

That's the main reason we created "Movin' Up" -- to help girls prepare for some of the things that will be different in a new, bigger school environment.  Girls in our program share what they are nervous about and what they are excited about as they think about the step up to middle school. This includes everything from learning how to open a combination lock on their lockers to finding their way around the school and making new friends and keeping old ones.

Each group of 5-6 girls is led by a mentor(counselor) who is a local high school student.  The mentors talk about their experiences in middle school (that were not that long ago) and coach their girls in ways to be successful in the new school environment.

Mostly our program is about having fun while learning how to build your confidence around meeting new people and trying new experiences. We play team-building games, do fitness exercises, create art that reflects each girl's strengths and talents, and stage role plays. Good friendships often develop between girls in the program, and last year the girls held a reunion a few months after camp ended.

If you or your parents have any questions about the program, please feel free to call me at 610-896-6966. We hope you'll be able to join us this year!

Paula Singer, co-director, "Movin' Up"

Dear reader whose best friend is giving you the "cold shoulder,"

It can really hurt when a best friend starts ignoring you on regular basis, and you don't know why. You say that she seems to have "some sort of problem" with you, so why not ask her what it's about?  Try talking to her at a time when she's not being so distant and you can speak privately.  Tell her that you feel bad when she doesn't speak to you, and you want to know why. Is she mad about something that you did, or is she just moving on to other friendships? If she really is a good friend, she'll tell you the truth. Also, ask her to be direct with you instead of moving you down a notch on her MySpace friends list  --- where everyone else can see where you stand with her.

If you can clear the air with her and her attitude towards you improves, give the friendship another chance.  In the meantime, take a look around at other girls you could get to know better through your many activities.  Maybe it's the perfect time to widen your friendship circle.

P.S. Learning how to handle this kind of friendship issue is good practice for the future! Most friendships are tested from time to time, and it's helpful to learn how to handle it.

Best of  luck in finding people who are deserving of your friendship!

Paula Singer, LSW

Dear Concerned about Boys,

You are right to question how we can help boys become more in tune with their emotions. In many ways, our macho culture steers boys away from reflecting on their inner lives and openly expressing their feelings.

Both boys and girls can benefit greatly from learning how to be emotionally intelligent and build healthy connections with the opposite gender in the process of becoming autonomous through adolescence.

Fortunately, there are some wonderful books for parents who want to nurture their sons to become compassionate, expressive young men:

Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys by Dan Kindlon and Michael Thompson

The Wonder of Boys: What Parents, Mentors and Educators Can do to Shape Boys into Exceptional Men by Michael Gurian

Boy Talk: How You Can Help Your Son Express His Emotions by Mary Polce-Lynch, Michael Gurian

Real Boys by William Pollack

Despite the negative influence of the popular culture for males, I am heartened by the increasingly active role that men are playing as fathers in their sons' and daughters' lives today.  One should not underestimate the power of a caring and expressive father, uncle, older brother, teacher, coach or clergyman as a positive role model for a young man.

Thanks for raising this important issue.

Paula Singer, LSW

Dear Sandy,

If a school or other institution wants to use the Club Ophelia model, it would need to be run by a certified trainer.  To find out if there are certified Club Ophelia trainers in your area, go to the Club Ophelia website: www.ittakesagirl.com.

Best of luck,

Paula Singer

Dear Susan,

We have had a number of girls from Bala Cynwyd Middle School go through our summer program. Two years ago, I ran a Club Ophelia at Welsh Valley Middle School with the 6th grade guidance counselor. Our wonderful mentors were young women from Lower Merion and Harriton high schools.

Interest from parents is the best way to convince administrators of the importance of such programs to middle school girls. I suggest  that you contact the principal and 6th grade guidance counselor at your school, as well as Bruce Barner, director of guidance at the school district, who is very supportive of our work.

Many thanks for your interest,

Paula Singer, LSW

Dear Daisy,

Pre-adolescents go through emotional and social changes that can appear rather suddenly once they enter the hothouse environment of middle school. In addition to the changes in their bodies during this phase of their development, is it any wonder that many ‘tween girls seem to be extremely self-conscious and obsessed with their appearance?

Since the ultimate goal of adolescences is for our children to separate from us as they move toward an independent life as young adults, it is normal for their friends to become increasingly the center of their universe. Acceptance by a group of compatible peers is essential to their happiness.

All of these factors are probably responsible for your daughter being distracted from schoolwork and childhood pastimes by clothes and the social scene. This can be difficult for parents who feel a loss of closeness with their child.  Although this can be a phase when girls push their mothers away, research shows that they still need and want a connection, just a different one from the relationship you mutually enjoyed when they were younger.

You can take the lead in talking to your daughter about friendships and peer pressure. She probably will be more receptive to you if you take a genuine interest in her new world --- asking about her taste in certain fashions, music and TV shows. It’s best to ask questions rather than give unsolicited advice. Try to weave your values into the discussion rather than dictate them, whenever possible.  Don’t hesitate, however, to set limits on computer, TV and phone time so she can concentrate on her homework. The same is true for other standards your family has with regard to appropriate language and dress, alcohol and drug use, family meals, chores and other non-negotiable behaviors and responsibilities.

Also try to get to know the parents of your daughter’s friends.  Not only will you gain more insight into your daughter’s relationships, but you also may be able to create a stronger safety net with other caring adults for all the teens in the group.

If possible, encourage your daughter to continue taking classes, sports or other activities that were her passion before she entered middle school. Many girls find that by the time they reach high school, they are more confident about who they are and can pursue their own interests and style without being so concerned about their peer group’s approval.

Most of all, try to enjoy the challenges of this fascinating chapter of your daughter’s journey!

Paula Singer, LSW

Dear Concerned Mother,

Even though you are a little worried about your daughter, we think you also should be happy that she’s made the transition so easily from elementary school to middle school. Right now, it’s all new and exciting for her, but it’s a phase that will eventually calm down.

Maybe as a family you could continue to do some of the things that she used to love as a kid, such as playing games. This may remind her how much she still enjoys these activities.

(Even though we’re big 8th-graders, we still do!)

Justine & Isabelle

To respond to your first question, I don't think it is healthy for middle-school-aged students to have sexual relations. That said, adolescents develop physically and emotionally at vastly different rates, with most enter puberty anywhere between ages 9 and 14.  Thus, I believe that parents and educators need to address sexuality with their children beginning with the physical changes that will be happening to their bodies. Parents also should be knowledgeable about their child's peer group at this age and the social norms of their friends and their friends' families. Look for teachable moments to introduce discussions about your values about sexuality -- such as commenting about a character in a book on a television show. A wonderful resource on how to talk to your children about sexuality is the author Debra Haffner, who has written two books on raising sexually healthy children: From Diapers to Dating which covers up to age 12, and Beyond the Big Talk, which continues the process through high school.

With regard to your second question about underage drinking, I agree that many kids believe that "everyone drinks."  A recent survey of teens in Lower Merion-Narberth, however, showed that 91.6% of 7th graders, 85.6 % of 8th graders, and 70.6 % of 9th graders reported that they had not used alcohol in the past 30 days.  As with sexuality, parents should have conversations about drinking and drugs with their children before middle school to discuss their family's values and expectations about such behaviors.  These conversations need to continue throughout high school. Regardless of teens' protests when parents broach this subject, research shows that adolescents need and want limitations from adults in their lives in order to feel safe.

Thanks for letting me know about your site. I'll take a look at it and be in touch.

Regards,

Paula Singer

Dear Caitlin's mother,

Perhaps you could start by asking Caitlin about how she expects to be treated by a friend. How does she feel when the queen bee puts her down?  Does this person fit Caitlin's definition of a real friend? What does your daughter think her options are in dealing with this situation? What are the pros and cons of each option? If she finds the situation overwhelming, making a list of her choices, and the pluses and minuses of each, can help to create a clearer picture.

Depending on your daughter's personality and support from her other friends, she could try talking directly to the girl about her hurtful behavior or distance herself from the queen bee and cultivate other friendships. You are right to be concerned about Caitlin's self-esteem and confidence. Learning how to protect herself from people who are abusive is an important lesson that will help her maintain healthy relationships in her life.

If your daughter's school has an anti-bullying policy or if there is a guidance counselor or school psychologist who is knowledgeable and trustworthy, your daughter also could get confidential support from the school.

I also recommend the book, Girl Wars: 12 Strategies that Will End Female Bullying by Cheryl Dellasega, who was quoted in the Inquirer article, and Charisse Nixon.

Best of luck with this difficult situation,

Paula Singer, LSW

For information about how to find or start a Club Ophelia, go to www.ittakesagirl.com. Girls Circle www.girlscircle.com and the Girl Scouts of America both offer groups and programs that build leadership and self-esteem in adolescent girls.

Good luck in your search,

Paula Singer, LSW